Invisible Sufferers

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I wrote this for my community nursing class blog and thought I'd might as well post it here too! Enjoy!

Everyday military veterans struggle with symptoms caused by their various deployments. These disorders, such as PTSD, have been brought to light through media attention and health care organizations; and fortunately, many of these veterans are getting the care they need to live healthy lives, free from pain. However, there is an immense group of people that has been overlooked: these are the military family members including spouses, children, siblings, and parents. They are all at extreme risk of financial and emotional burdens, grief, depression, loneliness, and anxiety. Yet, until recently, no one has tracked the number of military family suicides. 

     In an interview with various military family members, CNN found that dozens of the interviewee's had either attempted suicide, contemplated it or knew others who had killed themselves. One military wife explained that when she talked with leaders at a Defense Department meeting, they told her that there were too many family members attempting suicide to keep track of.  

     Many family members feel intense shame because of their emotional struggles. They worry about threatening their loved one's job, or feel guilty because their loved ones are going through worse situations than them (CNN, 2014). To top it off, the health care resources available for military families has been found to be difficult to receive as well as insensitive, condescending and dismissive.

DSPO Report

     Last year, the organization, Blue Star Families, assembled The 2013 Military Families Lifestyle Survey which found that over 9% of 5,100 military family respondents had considered suicide. The survey recommended that the Department of Defense monitor and track military family suicide in order to examine the problem and identify needs (2013 Military Families Lifestyle Survey, 2013). Finally a few weeks ago, after years of fighting for awareness, there was confirmation that the Defense Department released a report to Congress outlining their plan to track military family suicides. In their report, Suicide and Military Families: A Report on the Feasibility of Tracking Deaths by Suicide among Military Family Members , they explain that they "do not have the ability to investigate, monitor, or receive notification of military family member deaths." Therefore, their goal is to work with the Center for Disease Control (CDC) to collect and analyze data. They expect the project to take about a year; yet they warn that they can never be confident about having a complete picture of military family suicides, because of numerous complicated factors (Pentagon Evaluates Tracking Family Suicides, 2014).  

As family and friend to many military members and their families, I find this topic to be extremely distressing. What can we do, as nurses in our communities, to stand up for these often overlooked military families? 

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     As public health nurses, one of our main priorities is to stay up-to-date on government policies, changes, and reports. We need to use our voices to affirm the importance of suicide prevention for everyone, especially those at highest risk. We need to care for our patients with absolutely no judgement, insensitivity or harshness - no matter who they are or what they are struggling with. We must create open environments where patients feel safe talking about their issues and feelings. Finally, we must educate the community on suicide prevention and initiate groups to assist military family members. 

Let's make a difference as nurses, and combat suicide together. 

Where is Life Leading Me?

Hey there!

Well I'm moving through my junior year of school, it's going swell.
But you want to hear something crazy? REALLY crazy?!
I'll give you some background first.
This week in lifegroup we were asked the question, "What is your life dream?"
First thing I said (out of habit) was..."Be a nurse, help people, do something good by using my nurse skills." - To be honest, it wasn't my 'dream', it was just my plans. As soon as I said it, I knew that I wasn't truly passionate about it. I gave it a bit more thought, until I blurted out without thinking... "I Would Love To Be a Wedding Photographer!" Everyone stopped and stared. I mumbled quickly that it was just a dream, nothing would ever come of it... and looked down awkwardly. But ever since I said that, thought that, schemed that...I've constantly been dreaming about it! What if?! What if I did something crazy ...?! What if I was a part-time nurse, part-time photographer? I need more skills, I'm obviously an amateur. But with practice and time and learning, I think I could do it!
And then today.
Today as I surfed the web for daily randomness, I came across this question.

What would you be willing to attempt for God if you knew you could not fail? 

GOSH. That struck me deep in the heart. It was like God put that question right there for me to find. If I couldn't fail at photography and starting a small business, well of course I would do it! But is it something I can do for God? I believe so. If I can bring beauty to this world, in just a small way, I want to do that. If I can make people around me happy, I want to do that. If I can make a difference in someone's life by getting to know them, I want to do that! 

I WANT TO DO THIS. 

Now I just have to find a way to make it happen. That's the fun part. :)

Exciting Times These Are!

Hello there peeps!

No worries I haven't fallen off the face of the earth just yet. . . ;)
I've just been REALLY busy!
Want to hear some *BIG* news?!?!?!

I'M ENGAGED!!!

it's true!! John popped the question on July 20, 2012 and I said 'Yes!' (obviously.)
and now he is coming back to MI ...tomorrow?!?!
what?!
yes. you heard that right.
my Fiance' is coming back to me this week!!! :) I never thought this would happen! Not even in my dreams!
SO it's a really exciting time.

Now for the other news I had to share. It's almost as exciting.
seriously, if my engagement was #1 highlight of this summer, then this next thing is #2.

TWO days ago my LIFE DREAM came true. I rocked out to the beautiful, amazing, powerful, perfect voice of my favorite singer/person i absolutely adore...AMY LEE. Lead singer of Evanescence.
No. Joke.

I was able to get to the concert in Detroit with a few of my hospital co-workers and had the most awesome night i've had in MONTHS.
She is just as amazing as she is on her recorded songs, not to mention her style is to die for.
Okay maybe at this point I sound like an obsessed fan girl. . . but you know what. I don't even care.
Her music has brought me through some of the roughest points in my life, and I never tire of listening to it. I am just so thankful that I was able to actually *see* her with my own eyes, listen to her with my own ears, and feel her powerful voice move me. I will never, ever forget it.
It was a memory I will forever treasure. <3


(pics to come!)

It's all about Jesus!

I am totally in love with this church.
I love their mission, their enthusiasm, their love of Jesus!
:)
I highly suggest listening to some of the awesome sermons...Here is the first part of the series they are just starting. It is fabulous!
http://marshill.com/media/jesus-loves-his-church/jlhc-1-jesus-gives-life#downloads

It just makes me all excited about JESUS!!!

It's been awhile!

Hi there people, if anyone even reads this anymore that is. I'm probably just talking to the vast infinity of the internets, but hey, i need something to do during this surprisingly quiet evening shift at the hospital.

Here's a quick recap of my life:

Exactly one month ago, I was in Seattle!
It was an even better trip than I thought it would be! We all had an epic time together; climbing mountains, exploring downtown, traveling on ferries, seeing Microsoft, etc, etc. The scenery was absolutely breathtaking and I was seriously blown away by the beauty of nature and greenery and just everything. I could totally see myself out there! Even without a certain special guy of mine who just happens to live there. :)
Check out some pics!

 

Ever since that trip, it's been work, work, work. I've been doing about 30-40 hours a week at the hospital and I am learning SO FREAKING much. It's amazing. and awful. (did i mention i'm a certified a**-wiper now?!) yay.
haha well, yeah, the job has it's pros and cons, but i'm so thankful to be here and to be experiencing stuff that is going to give me such an edge next year in school. I've met a lot of fun people too, so at least it's never boring!

I hope this summer is as good as last years though. Last year was full of fun times, LT, socializing, and spending time with Jesus. Except I didn't get to see John for 3 months, which killed me.
This summer I get to see John twice! Once NEXT weekend! and another time in mid-July! (we are going to FL again because my family will be down there!) :) so that will break up the monotony. I'm trying to exercise more, and read some fun books too! When i can fit that in, that is. I'm also trying to rekindle some high school friendships, which I have found to my surprise, have actually stayed strong despite our lack of communication. So that's cool!

I guess I'm just a little sad and happy and confused and emotional. I want to be happy with my life and take each day as it comes. I want to find joy in the little things and make a difference in other's lives, even if I am not noticed or praised. I want to shine for Jesus in my workplace and maybe, just maybe, share my testimony. I don't want to look for worldly recognition, but find contentment in all circumstances. I want to keep my eyes on JESUS and look to Him for my constant source of acceptance, love and beauty. I just don't want to get lost in myself again.

Thanks for listening. :) It means more than you know.

~ an ending of another school year ~

well i made it.
tomorrow is the very last day of sophomore year.
and i am more than overjoyed that it is over.
now, i only have to get through two more years of this.
that's not terrible :) i think i can do it.
there's a lot to look forward to in that time.
so that will help.

also, one week from tomorrow morning, i will be in Seattle.
With John.
SO EXCITED.
maybe i'll blog while i'm there.
be all "hipster" like that. ^^
haha alright, signing off.

peace.

Life Update.

I think it's high time for another update on this crazy life of mine. 


Going back a few months, in January I started the second semester of my sophomore year at UofM Nursing. It was a long 2 months til spring break full of school work and the like. Then the last week of February through my birthday, John and I went to Florida for my spring break! It was a magical, relaxing, beautiful trip. We stayed with my grandparents down in Sarasota and spent a lot of time at the beach, going out on the town, and hanging with the g-rents. Best of all, John took me to DISNEY for an entire day!! We went to 2 parks and it was fabulous! :) We ended the trip with a romantic dinner on the beach watching the sunset, praying to God and thanking Him for this one of a kind relationship. 


Then it was back to school for me and work for John. Even though we were apart only 4 weeks, it felt like an eternity. It was definitely the darkest month of the school year for me. For one, I started on my new job as a nurse tech and it's been a very great learning experience, but also extremely stressful. It's a 'real' job, and I don't have the benefits I get as a student. For example, there are no excuses I can fall back on if I mess something up. The floor I am working on is a mix of low-care patients and high-risk patients who are very close to death, if not dying. We have already had multiple situations where the crash cart was brought out. And believe me, I'm not "overwhelmed" by this...I can definitely handle it; however, I think it's just hard to see such sadness and hopelessness day after day. It wears on the soul. I have thought about the afterlife so much this past month and it really puts a perspective on things. 


I feel like I've grown a lot in these past couple of months, and become much more aware of the dark, brokenness of the world around me. There have been many nights I cry myself to sleep because of the overwhelming darkness and evil and injustice in the world and the lives of those around me. It hurts me in the depths of my heart to see others hurting. And it's even worse when there is nothing you can do about it. I am surrounded with persons who have lived long long lives and I can see the pain and exhaustion on their faces. It's scary and I want it all to go away. I long for Jesus to take away the worries, fears, and wrinkles and restore us to true life. Because I see now that this "life" is a mere shell, an empty wasteland full of corruption and mourning. We find ourselves so wrapped up in the day to day troubles, that we miss the bigger picture. There is so much more to this life than what we see and the situations we go through. It is only now that I am able to see just a tiny sliver of the hope and life that is waiting for us, once we go home. 


Anyways, this past weekend was a wonderful break from all these deep, troubling thoughts that swirl around my mind. John came to visit for Easter weekend. We filled it with a ton of good times, like going to see Hunger Games, going to New Life twice, sleeping, hanging with John's family, hanging with my family, walking around AA, and spending some beautiful time together cuddling and holding hands and being cutesy. 
Oh how I love him. <3 Forever. 


Now I just have to get through these next 2.5 weeks of school. Then I will be DONE with my second year and be half-way through school! My summer is going to be very chill; I'm living in AA and working hopefully full-time. It will be lovely. 


Best of all, in 22 days me, Laura, Brian, and Sally are all travelling to SEATTLE!!! I seriously cannot wait. 
:) 

woah. hold up there life! you're running away from me!

0_0

My life has suddenly turned into a wild roller-coaster ride, without me even being able to prepare myself.
There was no "deep breath before the plunge." No time to think about it or freak out or anything. Now I'm caught up in this new life of mine and I'm rushing to buckle myself in!
Basically what happened was something like this:
Week 3 of February: offered a job at UofM Hospital!
February 25-March 4: SPRING BREAK in Sarasota, FL with my love! <3 [a magical week!]
March 5: Classes started with a bang! exams, papers, exams, etc. . .
March 8: Started job at UofM
Today, March 15: Completely bewildered with all I have to accomplish in the next 4-5 weeks..

Not only do I have to figure out schedules and work and class, but I'm trying to have some fun, plus John is coming Easter weekend, AND I need to spend *some* time with the family!

BAHHHH. [mini-freak-out]

Okay. It's Okay. I can do this!!!

That will be my mantra. 

On a good note! I'm going to Seattle with Laura, Sally, and Brian the first week of May to visit John!!! I can't wait!! : )

pic of john and i in Fl! teehee!

so weary.

These words, they fly around my mind,
like bullets.
I dodge their sharp lines of attack
But miss some -
the pain fills my brain
I can't think to save my life
My shoulders are burdened beneath the strife
Of weariness.
Drowning out these sorrows
with the loud drone of rock and roll
Numbing my brain
easing the pain
that would overcome me, if i sat and thought about it all.
I give a cheer for all the broken
Yearning to be alone -
But i'm a prisoner in this white walled room called
insanity.
oh my dear i thought you'd left me.
but you were here all along
waiting for just the right moment to crawl
into my mind and take control.

(don't mind my random horrible poetry.sometimes you just gotta get emotions out of your body - and for me that is through words - p.s. i really can write a lot better than this...)

The Impossible Project.

 I love photography. I also love the look of old and vintage things. Blend these two together and what do you get? Good old-fashioned Polaroid pictures. :) They are just so beautiful, and they are totally legit, not just 'pretend' Polaroid pictures, like that hip instagram thing everyone seems to be talking about these days. 

On a side note, I leave for Florida in exactly 14 days. Two weeks. I can barely wait to see John, well and be in the warm weather, and see my grandparents. :) Now I just have to make it through until then. 

Here we go... 

                            

http://www.the-impossible-project.com/

You are Loved.

Hello friend. 
I hope life is treating you well. 
I am writing tonight about a special cause I just learned about this week that has absolutely taken over my mind. The ministry is called "Treasures" and it's based out of LA. This is their mission: 

"Treasures is a unique, faith-based outreach and support group for women in the sex industry.

Our mission is to empower women in the discovery of their value and purpose by providing mentorship, spiritual encouragement and resources." 

This group helps women who are caught up in different ways, whether it be the porn industry, sex trafficking, prostitution, stripping, exotic dancing, escorting, or those who have been molested or are in dysfunctional, abusive relationships. Statistics are that "89% of women in the sex industry said they wanted to escape, but had no other means for survival." This means that these girls feel that they have no way to leave their lives. They are too poor, broken, and scared to live life on their own. Not only this, but most enter into this around the ages of 12-14 after being sexually abused. "73% of them have been raped 5 or more times." Many of them have high rates of substance abuse making it even more difficult to leave the industry. 

Now add to all of this depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and deep shame. 

Doesn't this just break your heart in half? 

I hate it when people make rash judgments, like "those girls chose to be sluts and like what they do." While this may be true for some, MOST of these girls are NOT happy with themselves. But they are imprisoned both physically and mentally and need a way out. 

There is only one who can be their escape. Jesus. 

And that is what this ministry is all about. Most of women heading it up were once in the sex industry as well, and what they do is make gift bags and go to clubs and conventions, handing out these bags to the girls, telling them there is hope and love and freedom. 

It is fantastic!!! and it gives me such joy to know that there are people out there fighting for these girls. One day I'm hoping and praying that I can help out with something like this. I don't know how or when, but I want to *do* something. But until then, I ...We... can keep praying for these girls to be delivered from their bondage. 

Love. 


Here is the website: www.iamatreasure.com

lost in love.

Today my sweetie, John, sent me ROSES!

Why? you may ask.

Just because he loves me. <3

Yeah, I'm pretty much the happiest girl (and that is saying something.) I am so in love - and I love it - and I'm not afraid to say it! :) 

This just makes me think of my first Love, Jesus. He gave me John, and so many other beautiful gifts - snowflakes, sunrises, grace, Love Itself. 

Ah, there is just so much love in my heart, it's overflowing, and I hope it finds its way to you. 

late night musings.

Shame. 
Why does he want to take me down.
Why does he attack me so. 
Why does he want to hurt me.
Torture me. 
Pain me. 
Make me cold to the bone. 
he numbs my soul. 
breaks my heart. 
builds up walls. 
tears down love. 
Cuts me up
blood pouring out
of my 
s
c
a
r
s. 
i feel dead and want it all to end. 
i long for Sleep and yet i cannot find the rest 
my body longs for.
nightmares haunt this hollow frame of mine
where is the freedom they talk of. 
the peace they say is here. 
i am lost and cannot find
my 
way 
out. 
j u m b l e d 
s  c  r  a  m  b  l  e  d
WORDS 
are a mess in my mind. 


Jesus. 
Cool, Refreshing, Love. 
forgive me. 
i need you. 

 "I have seen paradise and ruin. I have known bliss and terror. I have walked with God."


This is the first sentence of the book. The book that I just finished reading. The book that literally has turned my world upside down.
Very rarely do I read a good book that challenges my thoughts, my intellect, and my spiritual life. This book has fulfilled these things and more. The book is called "Havah: The story of Eve." 


I'm not going to explain the story to you. Many already know it; the story of creation, Adam & Eve, the fall, and so on. But for many that story was described to us as children in a Sunday school room. It was simplified for us, and yet it became a base for our beliefs. Think, however, of how weak a base it is if you do not fully understand the complexity and passion and terror of that story. 


This book didn't tell me a new story; it built on one I already knew by heart. But it added depth and romance, intrigue and love, fear and agonizing horror to the seemingly simple story. 


It was the first time I cried while reading a book. 


That is not normal; I never ever cry from a book. They usually touch me, yes. Maybe bring a single tear to my eye. But never a flat out, half hour, curl up on the floor, cry. 
Why did I feel so strongly you may think? How could a book possibly bring so much emotion to the surface? 


Maybe it was because it dragged up fears in me I thought would never resurface. Maybe it was because I was grieving for the world and the fallen broken hopelessness of it all. Maybe it was because I truly felt the love and care and realness of God, the Father, tugging at my heart and telling me it was alright to give in to my fears and worries. Maybe it was because at the end of the day all I really long for is for Jesus to hold me in His eternal arms and wipe away all the dirty grime of this life and restore me to my true beauty. 


Whatever it was, it broke me down. And I feel better than I have in many, many months. 
This book was a direct gift from God, specifically for me. And that is a stunning, exquisite thing. 


<3


Here is the link in case you are interested: http://www.toscalee.com/#/books/havah/

Imaginary Light

"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story

If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay a while
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me"
~ Evanescence 

A Brighter Outlook

In response to the blog post below, my love and I had a very nice conversation about the positive side of what I had written. He told me that this was a pivotal point in our relationship because it had led us to have this conversation. He said that this would help us grow together because we could now communicate our (or rather my) needs in the relationship. We talked about our love languages and how his is touch and mine is (much to my previous chagrin) gifts - both giving and receiving. However now we both know how we can best show love to each other, and I have much more confidence letting my feelings out. So despite my previous nervousness about the relationship and my selfish feelings, I am now feeling much more hopeful and excited about the future. :) Thank goodness for amazing communication. Can't survive without it.

Chain of Reactions::

Nights like these are great, and also terrible. They remind me of what I have and how wonderful, unbelievable, and beautiful life can be. It also shows me all I have lost and what I long most for. What I would do to have this back! (see 1st and 2nd pics below.) You don't know how love can really change your life, until the source of that love disappears. There are reminders of that love, which at times are the most important thing and at other times can be the worst possible moments. Like receiving a surprise love note and how your heart races as you devour the words on the page. Nothing can interrupt you from that one moment - all your attention is (for once) fully concentrated. But there are hard times too, like when you put all your hope into one interaction (even though it is an old routine), and because of moodiness, time restraints, or all the other many possibilities, your expectations are not met and you feel rejected and alone to deal with these seemingly selfish feelings. Things change brightly colored euphoric happiness to a gloomy, forlorn state of black and white. It is a downward spiral into the abyss of negative thinking, feeling like a burden, left alone with no one to be with because no one really knows or cares about you like that one special person does.  Frustrated tears burn your eyes, and you blink them away furiously. How on earth could you think of crying about such a selfish want? It is pathetic and you are too. Pining away for your far-away love, when you should be sleeping, studying, etc. You shake your head, but can't keep the thoughts from filling your mind. You realize how pathetic you are, and it hurts. How you hate that you selfishly ask things of your love - when you know they are just as busy as you. How Hypocritical. You wish you could stuff those words back into your babbling mouth. All you want is to feel remembered. Just a simple thing. And you do feel that way most of the time! But the cycle of life is dull and boring and what you want is something to spice up your life. Something New and Different. A circumstance where you don't feel like an outsider, like you're missing out. Something you can share together *at the same time.* A walk outside in the crisp fall breeze, a tender hug, a long car ride to a fun or even boring destination. The simple things in life. You don't know how much you'll miss them until you do. 

'

Cinnamon Sugar Heaven.

Today I found a recipe online here, www.joythebaker.com, and it was so delicious. It's like a fluffy cloud of sweet sugary cinnamon; I am still amazed at the rich, delectable goodness of this bread. It basically melts in your mouth! (:
So I spent all afternoon creating and baking this beautiful masterpiece. I was even *happy* with the turnout - it was identical to the pictures (which is not always the case in recipes...). So I highly recommend trying it out one day if you're feeling up to the challenge!
I know that I definitely plan to try out more of these recipes. I'm excited to see what's in store...

Who knows. I might just be a cook yet. ;)

Here's some pictures of my bread!

Summer is winding down...

It's already mid-August and summer is waning. However, it's been quite the summer so far, let me say.

After John left for the new job and new experiences, my life changed a lot! Not just because of that, but because I moved out of my house, away from all familiarity into a house with eight other girls (that I knew fairly well). At the same time, I started LT at New Life Church. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect from it.  I was afraid that it wouldn't do anything for me. That I wouldn't fit in. But that was so not the case! Closing ceremonies were almost two weeks ago, and since then I've worked through and processed many thoughts. So far, this has been my conclusion: that I've learned a lot about my relationship with God and understand myself a whole lot better. I feel like I've gotten even more confident in my faith and day-to-day life. I have strengthened my friendships and know that I have a group of people who have my back - no matter what. I still feel anxious about a lot of different things, but I am at peace with where I am and what God is doing. I am excited for the future and content with the present. Even better, I am [mostly] relieved from my past.
This is amazing for me and it is proof that I really have changed for the better. Something I have struggled to believe. I am so thankful to everyone who has helped me along the way. I have decided that life is something to be intrigued in now, rather than spurned and criticized, and I want to live according to 1 Corinthians 13:7, "Love always protects, always trusts, always, hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 

LDR.

i miss my darling tonight. a lot. more than i have in a long time (maybe a few days to be exact..).
oh long distance relationships, why must you torture me so.
but it's what you gotta do when you LOVE someone. and it's totally worth it. xoxo. <3