Shame.
Why does he want to take me down.
Why does he attack me so.
Why does he want to hurt me.
Torture me.
Pain me.
Make me cold to the bone.
he numbs my soul.
breaks my heart.
builds up walls.
tears down love.
Cuts me up
blood pouring out
of my
s
c
a
r
s.
i feel dead and want it all to end.
i long for Sleep and yet i cannot find the rest
my body longs for.
nightmares haunt this hollow frame of mine
where is the freedom they talk of.
the peace they say is here.
i am lost and cannot find
my
way
out.
j u m b l e d
s c r a m b l e d
WORDS
are a mess in my mind.
Jesus.
Cool, Refreshing, Love.
forgive me.
i need you.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
"I have seen paradise and ruin. I have known bliss and terror. I have walked with God."
This is the first sentence of the book. The book that I just finished reading. The book that literally has turned my world upside down.
Very rarely do I read a good book that challenges my thoughts, my intellect, and my spiritual life. This book has fulfilled these things and more. The book is called "Havah: The story of Eve."
I'm not going to explain the story to you. Many already know it; the story of creation, Adam & Eve, the fall, and so on. But for many that story was described to us as children in a Sunday school room. It was simplified for us, and yet it became a base for our beliefs. Think, however, of how weak a base it is if you do not fully understand the complexity and passion and terror of that story.
This book didn't tell me a new story; it built on one I already knew by heart. But it added depth and romance, intrigue and love, fear and agonizing horror to the seemingly simple story.
It was the first time I cried while reading a book.
That is not normal; I never ever cry from a book. They usually touch me, yes. Maybe bring a single tear to my eye. But never a flat out, half hour, curl up on the floor, cry.
Why did I feel so strongly you may think? How could a book possibly bring so much emotion to the surface?
Maybe it was because it dragged up fears in me I thought would never resurface. Maybe it was because I was grieving for the world and the fallen broken hopelessness of it all. Maybe it was because I truly felt the love and care and realness of God, the Father, tugging at my heart and telling me it was alright to give in to my fears and worries. Maybe it was because at the end of the day all I really long for is for Jesus to hold me in His eternal arms and wipe away all the dirty grime of this life and restore me to my true beauty.
Whatever it was, it broke me down. And I feel better than I have in many, many months.
This book was a direct gift from God, specifically for me. And that is a stunning, exquisite thing.
<3
Here is the link in case you are interested: http://www.toscalee.com/#/books/havah/
This is the first sentence of the book. The book that I just finished reading. The book that literally has turned my world upside down.
Very rarely do I read a good book that challenges my thoughts, my intellect, and my spiritual life. This book has fulfilled these things and more. The book is called "Havah: The story of Eve."
I'm not going to explain the story to you. Many already know it; the story of creation, Adam & Eve, the fall, and so on. But for many that story was described to us as children in a Sunday school room. It was simplified for us, and yet it became a base for our beliefs. Think, however, of how weak a base it is if you do not fully understand the complexity and passion and terror of that story.
This book didn't tell me a new story; it built on one I already knew by heart. But it added depth and romance, intrigue and love, fear and agonizing horror to the seemingly simple story.
It was the first time I cried while reading a book.
That is not normal; I never ever cry from a book. They usually touch me, yes. Maybe bring a single tear to my eye. But never a flat out, half hour, curl up on the floor, cry.
Why did I feel so strongly you may think? How could a book possibly bring so much emotion to the surface?
Maybe it was because it dragged up fears in me I thought would never resurface. Maybe it was because I was grieving for the world and the fallen broken hopelessness of it all. Maybe it was because I truly felt the love and care and realness of God, the Father, tugging at my heart and telling me it was alright to give in to my fears and worries. Maybe it was because at the end of the day all I really long for is for Jesus to hold me in His eternal arms and wipe away all the dirty grime of this life and restore me to my true beauty.
Whatever it was, it broke me down. And I feel better than I have in many, many months.
This book was a direct gift from God, specifically for me. And that is a stunning, exquisite thing.
<3
Here is the link in case you are interested: http://www.toscalee.com/#/books/havah/
Friday, October 21, 2011
Imaginary Light
"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story
If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay a while
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me"
~ Evanescence
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me
I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story
If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay a while
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me"
~ Evanescence
Thursday, September 22, 2011
A Brighter Outlook
In response to the blog post below, my love and I had a very nice conversation about the positive side of what I had written. He told me that this was a pivotal point in our relationship because it had led us to have this conversation. He said that this would help us grow together because we could now communicate our (or rather my) needs in the relationship. We talked about our love languages and how his is touch and mine is (much to my previous chagrin) gifts - both giving and receiving. However now we both know how we can best show love to each other, and I have much more confidence letting my feelings out. So despite my previous nervousness about the relationship and my selfish feelings, I am now feeling much more hopeful and excited about the future. :) Thank goodness for amazing communication. Can't survive without it.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Chain of Reactions::
Nights like these are great, and also terrible. They remind me of what I have and how wonderful, unbelievable, and beautiful life can be. It also shows me all I have lost and what I long most for. What I would do to have this back! (see 1st and 2nd pics below.) You don't know how love can really change your life, until the source of that love disappears. There are reminders of that love, which at times are the most important thing and at other times can be the worst possible moments. Like receiving a surprise love note and how your heart races as you devour the words on the page. Nothing can interrupt you from that one moment - all your attention is (for once) fully concentrated. But there are hard times too, like when you put all your hope into one interaction (even though it is an old routine), and because of moodiness, time restraints, or all the other many possibilities, your expectations are not met and you feel rejected and alone to deal with these seemingly selfish feelings. Things change brightly colored euphoric happiness to a gloomy, forlorn state of black and white. It is a downward spiral into the abyss of negative thinking, feeling like a burden, left alone with no one to be with because no one really knows or cares about you like that one special person does. Frustrated tears burn your eyes, and you blink them away furiously. How on earth could you think of crying about such a selfish want? It is pathetic and you are too. Pining away for your far-away love, when you should be sleeping, studying, etc. You shake your head, but can't keep the thoughts from filling your mind. You realize how pathetic you are, and it hurts. How you hate that you selfishly ask things of your love - when you know they are just as busy as you. How Hypocritical. You wish you could stuff those words back into your babbling mouth. All you want is to feel remembered. Just a simple thing. And you do feel that way most of the time! But the cycle of life is dull and boring and what you want is something to spice up your life. Something New and Different. A circumstance where you don't feel like an outsider, like you're missing out. Something you can share together *at the same time.* A walk outside in the crisp fall breeze, a tender hug, a long car ride to a fun or even boring destination. The simple things in life. You don't know how much you'll miss them until you do.
'
Friday, August 26, 2011
Cinnamon Sugar Heaven.
Today I found a recipe online here, www.joythebaker.com, and it was so delicious. It's like a fluffy cloud of sweet sugary cinnamon; I am still amazed at the rich, delectable goodness of this bread. It basically melts in your mouth! (:
So I spent all afternoon creating and baking this beautiful masterpiece. I was even *happy* with the turnout - it was identical to the pictures (which is not always the case in recipes...). So I highly recommend trying it out one day if you're feeling up to the challenge!
I know that I definitely plan to try out more of these recipes. I'm excited to see what's in store...
Who knows. I might just be a cook yet. ;)
Here's some pictures of my bread!
So I spent all afternoon creating and baking this beautiful masterpiece. I was even *happy* with the turnout - it was identical to the pictures (which is not always the case in recipes...). So I highly recommend trying it out one day if you're feeling up to the challenge!
I know that I definitely plan to try out more of these recipes. I'm excited to see what's in store...
Who knows. I might just be a cook yet. ;)
Here's some pictures of my bread!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Summer is winding down...
It's already mid-August and summer is waning. However, it's been quite the summer so far, let me say.
After John left for the new job and new experiences, my life changed a lot! Not just because of that, but because I moved out of my house, away from all familiarity into a house with eight other girls (that I knew fairly well). At the same time, I started LT at New Life Church. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect from it. I was afraid that it wouldn't do anything for me. That I wouldn't fit in. But that was so not the case! Closing ceremonies were almost two weeks ago, and since then I've worked through and processed many thoughts. So far, this has been my conclusion: that I've learned a lot about my relationship with God and understand myself a whole lot better. I feel like I've gotten even more confident in my faith and day-to-day life. I have strengthened my friendships and know that I have a group of people who have my back - no matter what. I still feel anxious about a lot of different things, but I am at peace with where I am and what God is doing. I am excited for the future and content with the present. Even better, I am [mostly] relieved from my past.
This is amazing for me and it is proof that I really have changed for the better. Something I have struggled to believe. I am so thankful to everyone who has helped me along the way. I have decided that life is something to be intrigued in now, rather than spurned and criticized, and I want to live according to 1 Corinthians 13:7, "Love always protects, always trusts, always, hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
This is amazing for me and it is proof that I really have changed for the better. Something I have struggled to believe. I am so thankful to everyone who has helped me along the way. I have decided that life is something to be intrigued in now, rather than spurned and criticized, and I want to live according to 1 Corinthians 13:7, "Love always protects, always trusts, always, hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
LDR.
i miss my darling tonight. a lot. more than i have in a long time (maybe a few days to be exact..).
oh long distance relationships, why must you torture me so.
but it's what you gotta do when you LOVE someone. and it's totally worth it. xoxo. <3
oh long distance relationships, why must you torture me so.
but it's what you gotta do when you LOVE someone. and it's totally worth it. xoxo. <3
Saturday, July 23, 2011
a poem by mary frye.
Friday, July 22, 2011
I decided I'm going to try to write in my blog a little something each day. If I have time. Which I probably won't. But I'll try my best. So here goes...
Found this on a website - thought it was adorable,, and so true.
Awesome Thing # 356: Wearing your boyfriend’s sweatshirt
"Ripped sleeves, tattered collars, and faded prints tossed in crumpled piles on the floor hold meaningful memories of tender touches. Twisting on the couch for a movie, stirring over the stove at dinner, or napping together in the park … all come together to fan the flames of your heart.
Tossing on your boyfriend’s baggy sweatshirt feels like you’re giving them a hug.
Close your eyes and smell the love.
AWESOME!"
Yay for hoodies! <3
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Happy Sigh.
This song has been stuck in my head all day long. And no wonder.
It's all about L-O-V-E.
I've been thinking about how much I really want to slow dance with *someone* to it.
That would be absolutely perfect. (:
Just sayin'.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
:/
this is why i have a really difficult time riding in small, self-piloted airplanes. . .
http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/26283066/30243876
http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/26283066/30243876
Saturday, June 25, 2011
A War For My Soul.
Holding tightly to my past,
Overwhelmed - the tension thick.
My hands burn from this death grasp;
The ground has disappeared beneath my feet.
Fear has frozen me in place.
A chill wind blows, crawling up my spine,
It's deadly fingers caress my face.
I shiver inside - overtaken by lies.
Yet as gradual as the tide, rising up the shore;
A Heavenly presence surrounds me.
His soft breath warms me to the core.
Hesitantly, I begin to hope.
"Let go, my child, of your many fears,
Give me control - fall into my arms.
I promise to wipe away your tears,
To be your comfort and your strength."
The constant battle wages, turmoil raises, I continue to wait.
He is so patient, urging me to take this leap, to finally be free.
So with a deep breath, I choose to take this mighty step of faith.
Letting go of the fear, the lies, the past.
Free-falling, through the clouds;
Sunshine streams into my eyes,
Filled with joy, for once, not doubt.
And then I'm resting in His arms.
Alive and unharmed.
written by: me! (on the LT retreat)
Overwhelmed - the tension thick.
My hands burn from this death grasp;
The ground has disappeared beneath my feet.
Fear has frozen me in place.
A chill wind blows, crawling up my spine,
It's deadly fingers caress my face.
I shiver inside - overtaken by lies.
Yet as gradual as the tide, rising up the shore;
A Heavenly presence surrounds me.
His soft breath warms me to the core.
Hesitantly, I begin to hope.
"Let go, my child, of your many fears,
Give me control - fall into my arms.
I promise to wipe away your tears,
To be your comfort and your strength."
The constant battle wages, turmoil raises, I continue to wait.
He is so patient, urging me to take this leap, to finally be free.
So with a deep breath, I choose to take this mighty step of faith.
Letting go of the fear, the lies, the past.
Free-falling, through the clouds;
Sunshine streams into my eyes,
Filled with joy, for once, not doubt.
And then I'm resting in His arms.
Alive and unharmed.
written by: me! (on the LT retreat)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A Day of Togetherness Alone with God
Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life."
Psalm 139:16 "..Every day of my life was recorded in your book; every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
What a week it has been! Though you probably know, LT has started, and my goodness, it's been incredible. I've heard some wonderful talks, praised God in some heart-breaking worship, and had conversations with people I had never been able to get to know before.
Right now, I have about an hour left of the 9 hours we had of fasting, praying and spending with our Savior. I thought I'd take the time to type out some of my prayers and attempt to summarize my thoughts.
This is a prayer from Day 1 of LT:
God, Daddy, My Love,
I confess that this past month I've struggled in a lot of different ways. I've had to learn to depend solely on you. You have been my friend when I was lonely. But despite this, I've still felt worn down and "far" from you. I've made some disastrous errors already this summer. and I'm so sorry. I've learned that you have forgiven me with your grace. The thing I have trouble with is forgiving myself.
I want to embark on a journey with you. Let me on a whole new path - one I can't even imagine. You've brought me through so much and given me so much that I don't deserve. I want to show you love, I want to be crazy excited about you. I want to make a difference for you. I want to spread your love.
You are so overpowering. As I sit here, listening to the quiet breeze, the trees rustling, the birds chirping - I am astounded by your majesty and am in utter awe. You are so beautiful - I long to just reach out and grab hold of your hand and have you pull me into your arms and hear you whisper to me, "You are precious to me, I love you" (Isaiah 43:4). I yearn for the day of no more sorrow. What a glorious day that will be. All I want is you, Jesus. I am completely in bliss - at peace with you and myself and the world around me. I feel no evil presence lurking over me. Just you and me, all alone together. Beauty. In. Complexity. Yes, those words perfectly describe you. Imagine when a life like this will never end. It will go on Forever. Oh how wonderful you are, my Love, never let me go. <3
Prayer from Day 3 of LT:
Lord,
You know how I've been on an emotional roller-coaster today.
You know how yesterday I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.
You know that I cried at the bonfire because I wanted a certain someone to hold me close.
You know that it's been hard for me to fight the despair of Satan.
You know that I've been feeling guilty for missing John (as though it was a sin to miss him).
You know how much I want You to be in my life.
You know how much I want to do the "right" thing.
You know how much I'm trying to trust you with my entire life. (all the decisions, relationships, emotions, etc)
You know that I am struggling with realizing it's okay to feel down or unhappy or unsocial.
You already know everything. You have it all laid out for me. I just need to let go of my control over my own life and entrust it to you. I don't want to put you in a box and try to take over myself. I can't do anything without you. So here I am, Lord, take all of me.
Psalm 139:16 "..Every day of my life was recorded in your book; every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."
What a week it has been! Though you probably know, LT has started, and my goodness, it's been incredible. I've heard some wonderful talks, praised God in some heart-breaking worship, and had conversations with people I had never been able to get to know before.
Right now, I have about an hour left of the 9 hours we had of fasting, praying and spending with our Savior. I thought I'd take the time to type out some of my prayers and attempt to summarize my thoughts.
This is a prayer from Day 1 of LT:
God, Daddy, My Love,
I confess that this past month I've struggled in a lot of different ways. I've had to learn to depend solely on you. You have been my friend when I was lonely. But despite this, I've still felt worn down and "far" from you. I've made some disastrous errors already this summer. and I'm so sorry. I've learned that you have forgiven me with your grace. The thing I have trouble with is forgiving myself.
I want to embark on a journey with you. Let me on a whole new path - one I can't even imagine. You've brought me through so much and given me so much that I don't deserve. I want to show you love, I want to be crazy excited about you. I want to make a difference for you. I want to spread your love.
You are so overpowering. As I sit here, listening to the quiet breeze, the trees rustling, the birds chirping - I am astounded by your majesty and am in utter awe. You are so beautiful - I long to just reach out and grab hold of your hand and have you pull me into your arms and hear you whisper to me, "You are precious to me, I love you" (Isaiah 43:4). I yearn for the day of no more sorrow. What a glorious day that will be. All I want is you, Jesus. I am completely in bliss - at peace with you and myself and the world around me. I feel no evil presence lurking over me. Just you and me, all alone together. Beauty. In. Complexity. Yes, those words perfectly describe you. Imagine when a life like this will never end. It will go on Forever. Oh how wonderful you are, my Love, never let me go. <3
Prayer from Day 3 of LT:
Lord,
You know how I've been on an emotional roller-coaster today.
You know how yesterday I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.
You know that I cried at the bonfire because I wanted a certain someone to hold me close.
You know that it's been hard for me to fight the despair of Satan.
You know that I've been feeling guilty for missing John (as though it was a sin to miss him).
You know how much I want You to be in my life.
You know how much I want to do the "right" thing.
You know how much I'm trying to trust you with my entire life. (all the decisions, relationships, emotions, etc)
You know that I am struggling with realizing it's okay to feel down or unhappy or unsocial.
You already know everything. You have it all laid out for me. I just need to let go of my control over my own life and entrust it to you. I don't want to put you in a box and try to take over myself. I can't do anything without you. So here I am, Lord, take all of me.
My unprecedented step(s) of faith!
I want to stop trying to control my life.
I want to learn to trust God with my worst fear. (that I will lose someone I care about)
I want God to be in charge.
I want God to control my mind. (the anxiety, worry, temptations, self-consciousness, overwhelming emotions)
I want God to give me peace to concentrate on Him.
I want to believe that God has amazing things planned for me, and that I can expect great blessings from Him.
I want to DO something that shares God's light with others.
That's all I have time for right now. I'll update more later! Love you! <3
LOVE THIS SONG!!!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The "Goodbye"
im sitting here in my room.
i feel restless, anxious, lonely...
but underneath the roller-coaster of emotions
i feel at peace.
a significant life-altering change has occurred today
its still too early to feel the effects
but my heart knows the difference
it feels heavier somehow
but light knowing that there is someone out there
who is holding it.
i feel at ease, yet nervous
happy, yet forlorn
at rest, yet worn out
i can't really concentrate
and i feel like im rambling.
i feel like im living a dream
is this reality?
sigh
im just really tired.
and bipolar.
im gonna go pray for awhile.
goodnight.
i feel restless, anxious, lonely...
but underneath the roller-coaster of emotions
i feel at peace.
a significant life-altering change has occurred today
its still too early to feel the effects
but my heart knows the difference
it feels heavier somehow
but light knowing that there is someone out there
who is holding it.
i feel at ease, yet nervous
happy, yet forlorn
at rest, yet worn out
i can't really concentrate
and i feel like im rambling.
i feel like im living a dream
is this reality?
sigh
im just really tired.
and bipolar.
im gonna go pray for awhile.
goodnight.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tug of War
Remember that old childhood game where two teams would line up, each side holding an end of the rope? The teams would pull with all their might for the little red flag tied on the rope to cross their side. Eventually after much struggle, pain, and screaming, one side would fall to the ground in defeat. The little flag crossed to the winner's side - where there was much triumph and happiness.
I never liked that game very much.
And now I feel like I'm playing it once again; this time, however, I'm playing "adult-style." Worst of all, I'm not even on either of the teams. I'm the little red flag in the middle, being pulled from side to side.
I feel bad for that little flag because it doesn't get a choice; it has no say in which side it ends up on.
I, on the other hand, WILL have a say in the matter.
Let me say, it sure is nice to have so many people care about me...but I really, really dislike when they get too involved. Because that's when the tug of war begins. Each side is pulling me to do what they want or think is best for me.
Well. I can handle myself, thank you very much. I have the capabilities to figure out what I want. And right now, I want to stay right in the middle and have each side let go of me and stop playing the game.
Unfortunately, people are very competitive and enjoy winning, so for now this hope for a truce is almost nonexistent. But a girl can dream.
I never liked that game very much.
And now I feel like I'm playing it once again; this time, however, I'm playing "adult-style." Worst of all, I'm not even on either of the teams. I'm the little red flag in the middle, being pulled from side to side.
I feel bad for that little flag because it doesn't get a choice; it has no say in which side it ends up on.
I, on the other hand, WILL have a say in the matter.
Let me say, it sure is nice to have so many people care about me...but I really, really dislike when they get too involved. Because that's when the tug of war begins. Each side is pulling me to do what they want or think is best for me.
Well. I can handle myself, thank you very much. I have the capabilities to figure out what I want. And right now, I want to stay right in the middle and have each side let go of me and stop playing the game.
Unfortunately, people are very competitive and enjoy winning, so for now this hope for a truce is almost nonexistent. But a girl can dream.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Goodbye Freshman, Hello Sophomore!
My first year at UofM is complete! I can hardly believe how quickly it flew by; it seems like just yesterday I was walking up my first class, nervous and unsure of what was coming.
So much has happened this year. I have changed so much, become more mature, more independent, more knowledgeable.
I would even be so bold as to say that this has been my best year yet in my meager 19 years of life on this planet. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams, putting people and circumstances into my life that I would not trade for anything. I have continued to grow in my relationship with Him, even more than I thought possible at this public university. Looking back on my past, I am more social, at peace, and *content* with where I am than ever before. It is the first year I have been able to walk into a room and not feel awkward or unwanted. This is the first year I feel that I belong.
At the beginning of the school year, I had some vague goals that I hoped to fulfill this year. Not only have I fulfilled them, but they have exceeded my dreams! I have a church family, plenty of people to hang with, and even [surprise!] a boyfriend who has completely taken my heart. <3
Of course this year has had it's share of hardships too. Just take a look at my previous blogs and you'll know what I'm talking about. From stressing about exams to trying to figure out the best way to go about a relationship, I have used my mind an awful lot. But I stuck through and didn't give up - and everything has worked out just right. Like my grades...there were times I thought I was going to fail out of nursing school. But I've ended up with A's and B's all year! :) phew.
All in all, it's been a fantastic year! I still am happy with Nursing as my major, which is a great thing. I'm excited to see how much I learn next year (even if next semester is a killer as I've heard). I'm very interested to see what happens sophomore year, well even this summer to be honest. SO much is changing. I feel like this year was very stable and easy. But next year I have to figure out the whole "roommate" scenario, see what happens with my dad's job, AND John is moving away to Seattle. It's going to be trying for sure. But right now I'm trusting that God will bring me through as he always has.
For now though, I am enjoying this 3rd day of summer break, looking out the window and filled to the brim with excitement because there are buds on the trees! Who would've thought a little green shoot could cause such happiness? But it's these little things that go unnoticed that bring me so much joy.
So much has happened this year. I have changed so much, become more mature, more independent, more knowledgeable.
I would even be so bold as to say that this has been my best year yet in my meager 19 years of life on this planet. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams, putting people and circumstances into my life that I would not trade for anything. I have continued to grow in my relationship with Him, even more than I thought possible at this public university. Looking back on my past, I am more social, at peace, and *content* with where I am than ever before. It is the first year I have been able to walk into a room and not feel awkward or unwanted. This is the first year I feel that I belong.
At the beginning of the school year, I had some vague goals that I hoped to fulfill this year. Not only have I fulfilled them, but they have exceeded my dreams! I have a church family, plenty of people to hang with, and even [surprise!] a boyfriend who has completely taken my heart. <3
Of course this year has had it's share of hardships too. Just take a look at my previous blogs and you'll know what I'm talking about. From stressing about exams to trying to figure out the best way to go about a relationship, I have used my mind an awful lot. But I stuck through and didn't give up - and everything has worked out just right. Like my grades...there were times I thought I was going to fail out of nursing school. But I've ended up with A's and B's all year! :) phew.
All in all, it's been a fantastic year! I still am happy with Nursing as my major, which is a great thing. I'm excited to see how much I learn next year (even if next semester is a killer as I've heard). I'm very interested to see what happens sophomore year, well even this summer to be honest. SO much is changing. I feel like this year was very stable and easy. But next year I have to figure out the whole "roommate" scenario, see what happens with my dad's job, AND John is moving away to Seattle. It's going to be trying for sure. But right now I'm trusting that God will bring me through as he always has.
For now though, I am enjoying this 3rd day of summer break, looking out the window and filled to the brim with excitement because there are buds on the trees! Who would've thought a little green shoot could cause such happiness? But it's these little things that go unnoticed that bring me so much joy.
A [School] Year in Review::
Thursday, April 21, 2011
5x7 Folded Card
Best Mom Ever Mother's Day 5x7 folded card
Make Mother's Day special with Shutterfly cards for mom.
View the entire collection of cards.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Back to the Old Days: A Journey From Guilt To Forgiveness
[The following is a poem I wrote a few years back, based on a book I read called "The Kite Runner." I highly recommend you read it, if you haven't. It's a book that will blow your mind.
Also, the picture above is me (obviously) back in the day. I found it while looking through old pics. Yeah, I used to be sort of "dark" - those were my artsy days. Don't let it scare you, I just wanted to live outside the norm. Don't we all?]
Panic.
Something roared like thunder.
A white light flashed;
A white light flashed;
This wasn’t happening.
On my knees, screaming.
Screaming through my clenched teeth.
Screaming through my clenched teeth.
Screaming until I thought my throat
would rip and my chest explode.
…deep parallel gashes…
would rip and my chest explode.
…deep parallel gashes…
I might as well have taken a knife and
carved those lines myself.
carved those lines myself.
Hope is fading.
I shut my eyes, d r i f t i n g a w a y.
I shut my eyes, d r i f t i n g a w a y.
My LIFE-
Failure on a grand scale.
I’m a ghost.
A ghost with no footprints.
A tortured soul.
Enduring the endless dark, waiting for the sun to rise
It’s insanity –
These thoughts flying around in my head.
I want to move on, to forget, to start with a clean slate.
I want to be able to breathe again.
He says,
There is a way to be good again.
A way to end the cycle of-
Pain.
Guilt.
Suffering.
I’ll take it with open arms.
Cut loose the pain.
I feel it rising within me.
Victory.
Salvation.
Redemption.
I feel at peace.
Healed at last.
My journey has come to an end. Everything is alive and good.
The past-
Only a faint scar.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
TAKE HEART:: by Hillsong United
here is a very beautiful, uplifting song: listen to it: it just might give you just a little bit more courage over the troubles in your life right now...
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome
Found this song today while looking for new music.
I was basically blown away by the lyrics. It really is amazing how much a song can impact you. There is just something so real and genuine about a song - the voice, the words, the music, the love behind it all; how it all comes together in perfect unity, creating a work of art so beautiful and emotionally heart-wrenching. Songs (especially worship songs i find) are so perfect for expressing your heart to God, because sometimes it's hard to gather your thoughts to say what you mean. But songs (like this one) speak straight to your heart and you can listen and pray right along with it.
Recently I've been feeling a bit down, but songs like this give me hope that I can keep going, because Christ has given me his strength and has overcome the world. <3
G'night.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
x_x
have you ever had one of those days where everything seems hopeless?
the weather is gloomy and dismal. the sun nowhere in sight.
you have 1001 things to do, and it seems like nothing is getting accomplished.
(procrastination has overtaken and now you're typing out blog posts..)
you want to have fun, but it seems like no one is around.
you feel lonely.
you are tired because you haven't been sleeping well for days.
you have less than 3 weeks left of school and it feels like an eternity.
yet you don't want it to end.
pellets of icy rain hit you, and you start to cry because of the futility of it all.
you end up cold, wet, and worried.
you contemplate what about this life is actually worth it.
and at the moment, come up with very little.
that is where i am right now.
let's hope things get better.
but for now i'm rather doubtful.
the weather is gloomy and dismal. the sun nowhere in sight.
you have 1001 things to do, and it seems like nothing is getting accomplished.
(procrastination has overtaken and now you're typing out blog posts..)
you want to have fun, but it seems like no one is around.
you feel lonely.
you are tired because you haven't been sleeping well for days.
you have less than 3 weeks left of school and it feels like an eternity.
yet you don't want it to end.
pellets of icy rain hit you, and you start to cry because of the futility of it all.
you end up cold, wet, and worried.
you contemplate what about this life is actually worth it.
and at the moment, come up with very little.
that is where i am right now.
let's hope things get better.
but for now i'm rather doubtful.
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