:/

this is why i have a really difficult time riding in small, self-piloted airplanes. . .

http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/26283066/30243876

A War For My Soul.

Holding tightly to my past,
Overwhelmed - the tension thick.
My hands burn from this death grasp;
The ground has disappeared beneath my feet.

Fear has frozen me in place.
A chill wind blows, crawling up my spine,
It's deadly fingers caress my face.
I shiver inside - overtaken by lies.

Yet as gradual as the tide, rising up the shore;
A Heavenly presence surrounds me.
His soft breath warms me to the core.
Hesitantly, I begin to hope.

"Let go, my child, of your many fears,
Give me control - fall into my arms.
I promise to wipe away your tears,
To be your comfort and your strength."

The constant battle wages, turmoil raises, I continue to wait.
He is so patient, urging me to take this leap, to finally be free.
So with a deep breath, I choose to take this mighty step of faith.
Letting go of the fear, the lies, the past.

Free-falling, through the clouds;
Sunshine streams into my eyes,
Filled with joy, for once, not doubt.
And then I'm resting in His arms.

Alive and unharmed.


written by: me! (on the LT retreat) 

A Day of Togetherness Alone with God

Psalm 139:23-24 "Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life."
Psalm 139:16 "..Every day of my life was recorded in your book; every moment was laid out before a single day had passed."

What a week it has been! Though you probably know, LT has started, and my goodness, it's been incredible. I've heard some wonderful talks, praised God in some heart-breaking worship, and had conversations with people I had never been able to get to know before.
Right now, I have about an hour left of the 9 hours we had of fasting, praying and spending with our Savior. I thought I'd take the time to type out some of my prayers and attempt to summarize my thoughts.

This is a prayer from Day 1 of LT:

God, Daddy, My Love,

I confess that this past month I've struggled in a lot of different ways. I've had to learn to depend solely on you. You have been my friend when I was lonely. But despite this, I've still felt worn down and "far" from you. I've made some disastrous errors already this summer. and I'm so sorry. I've learned that you have forgiven me with your grace. The thing I have trouble with is forgiving myself.
I want to embark on a journey with you. Let me on a whole new path - one I can't even imagine. You've brought me through so much and given me so much that I don't deserve. I want to show you love, I want to be crazy excited about you. I want to make a difference for you. I want to spread your love.
You are so overpowering. As I sit here, listening to the quiet breeze, the trees rustling, the birds chirping - I am astounded by your majesty and am in utter awe. You are so beautiful - I long to just reach out and grab hold of your hand and have you pull me into your arms and hear you whisper to me, "You are precious to me, I love you" (Isaiah 43:4). I yearn for the day of no more sorrow. What a glorious day that will be. All I want is you, Jesus. I am completely in bliss - at peace with you and myself and the world around me. I feel no evil presence lurking over me. Just you and me, all alone together. Beauty. In. Complexity. Yes, those words perfectly describe you. Imagine when a life like this will never end. It will go on Forever. Oh how wonderful you are, my Love, never let me go. <3


Prayer from Day 3 of LT:

Lord,

You know how I've been on an emotional roller-coaster today.
You know how yesterday I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.
You know that I cried at the bonfire because I wanted a certain someone to hold me close.
You know that it's been hard for me to fight the despair of Satan.
You know that I've been feeling guilty for missing John (as though it was a sin to miss him).
You know how much I want You to be in my life.
You know how much I want to do the "right" thing.
You know how much I'm trying to trust you with my entire life. (all the decisions, relationships, emotions, etc)
You know that I am struggling with realizing it's okay to feel down or unhappy or unsocial.
You already know everything. You have it all laid out for me. I just need to let go of my control over my own life and entrust it to you. I don't want to put you in a box and try to take over myself. I can't do anything without you. So here I am, Lord, take all of me.

My unprecedented step(s) of faith!

I want to stop trying to control my life.
I want to learn to trust God with my worst fear. (that I will lose someone I care about)
I want God to be in charge.
I want God to control my mind. (the anxiety, worry, temptations, self-consciousness, overwhelming emotions) 
I want God to give me peace to concentrate on Him. 
I want to believe that God has amazing things planned for me, and that I can expect great blessings from Him.
I want to DO something that shares God's light with others.


That's all I have time for right now. I'll update more later! Love you! <3

LOVE THIS SONG!!!

The "Goodbye"

im sitting here in my room.
i feel restless, anxious, lonely...
but underneath the roller-coaster of emotions
i feel at peace.
a significant life-altering change has occurred today
its still too early to feel the effects
but my heart knows the difference
it feels heavier somehow
but light knowing that there is someone out there
who is holding it.
i feel at ease, yet nervous
happy, yet forlorn
at rest, yet worn out
i can't really concentrate
and i feel like im rambling.
i feel like im living a dream
is this reality?
sigh
im just really tired.
and bipolar.
im gonna go pray for awhile.

goodnight.

Tug of War

Remember that old childhood game where two teams would line up, each side holding an end of the rope? The teams would pull with all their might for the little red flag tied on the rope to cross their side. Eventually after much struggle, pain, and screaming, one side would fall to the ground in defeat. The little flag crossed to the winner's side - where there was much triumph and happiness.

I never liked that game very much.

And now I feel like I'm playing it once again; this time, however, I'm playing "adult-style." Worst of all, I'm not even on either of the teams. I'm the little red flag in the middle, being pulled from side to side.
I feel bad for that little flag because it doesn't get a choice; it has no say in which side it ends up on.
I, on the other hand, WILL have a say in the matter.
Let me say, it sure is nice to have so many people care about me...but I really, really dislike when they get too involved.  Because that's when the tug of war begins. Each side is pulling me to do what they want or think is best for me.

Well. I can handle myself, thank you very much. I have the capabilities to figure out what I want. And right now, I want to stay right in the middle and have each side let go of me and stop playing the game.
Unfortunately, people are very competitive and enjoy winning, so for now this hope for a truce is almost nonexistent. But a girl can dream.

Goodbye Freshman, Hello Sophomore!

My first year at UofM is complete! I can hardly believe how quickly it flew by; it seems like just yesterday I was walking up my first class, nervous and unsure of what was coming. 
So much has happened this year. I have changed so much, become more mature, more independent, more knowledgeable.  


I would even be so bold as to say that this has been my best year yet in my meager 19 years of life on this planet. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams, putting people and circumstances into my life that I would not trade for anything. I have continued to grow in my relationship with Him, even more than I thought possible at this public university. Looking back on my past, I am more social, at peace, and *content* with where I am than ever before. It is the first year I have been able to walk into a room and not feel awkward or unwanted. This is the first year I feel that I belong. 


At the beginning of the school year, I had some vague goals that I hoped to fulfill this year. Not only have I fulfilled them, but they have exceeded my dreams! I have a church family, plenty of people to hang with, and even [surprise!] a boyfriend who has completely taken my heart. <3 


Of course this year has had it's share of hardships too. Just take a look at my previous blogs and you'll know what I'm talking about. From stressing about exams to trying to figure out the best way to go about a relationship, I have used my mind an awful lot. But I stuck through and didn't give up - and everything has worked out just right. Like my grades...there were times I thought I was going to fail out of nursing school. But I've ended up with A's and B's all year! :) phew. 


All in all, it's been a fantastic year! I still am happy with Nursing as my major, which is a great thing. I'm excited to see how much I learn next year (even if next semester is a killer as I've heard). I'm very interested to see what happens sophomore year, well even this summer to be honest. SO much is changing. I feel like this year was very stable and easy. But next year I have to figure out the whole "roommate" scenario, see what happens with my dad's job, AND John is moving away to Seattle. It's going to be trying for sure. But right now I'm trusting that God will bring me through as he always has. 


For now though, I am enjoying this 3rd day of summer break, looking out the window and filled to the brim with excitement because there are buds on the trees! Who would've thought a little green shoot could cause such happiness? But it's these little things that go unnoticed that bring me so much joy. 

A [School] Year in Review:: 

   

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