Happy Valentine's Day!
<3
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
the exam...
okay today is not my best day.
let's just say that i probably should not be writing tonight because everything is going to be either dark, morbid, or both.
i had my first anatomy exam today. i thought i was prepared. i thought i was ready.
yeah i hadn't studied for 12 hours a week like my prof had told us to, but seriously if i did that, i wouldn't be human. i'd be like a walking zombie.
sooo after spending the entire weekend holed up in my room, studying til my eyes fell out, i got up this morning ready to kick this exam in the butt.
9:10am
we get the exam.
9:15am
we start going through the slides. ok, i think, this isn't too bad. i know these answers.
9:25am
the terror begins to crawl through my being.
doubt races through my mind.
is it a or c? or d "a and c"? shoot. i can't figure it out. for the life of me. i've spent 5 minutes staring at the letters- until they start swirling around on the page, unable to concentrate, my eyes zone out.
9:50am
some people are finishing and i've barely made any progress.
i start to for real freak out.
my eyes begin to tear, the walls of the crowded room start bearing down on me, i feel breathless, claustrophobic, the fear of passing out runs through my mind.
STOP IT! i scream at myself, pushing away the insanity that is softly knocking on the door of my mind.
Pull Yourself Together.
i'm trying...
10:00am
i gather my thoughts, i must do this, i know this.
so i get through the test, answering question after question- all 100 of them.
done.
i am still filled with doubt. sure that i've failed. that every single piece of effort i put into this is worthless.
that all the effort i gave throughout my entire life will fall through the ceiling, and i'll be lost to the uncertainty of the world.
10:45am
i stand up, finished, too nervous to change any answers because i might be tricking myself.
there. i turned it in. its over.
relief? that would be a normal reaction.
but no- instead i am flooded with a overwhelming flood of despair, terror, worry, doubt.
i am angry at myself.
i want to throw myself away.
i am a big fat failure.
i just want to sleep.
11:10am
i run away into a hidden bathroom, where no one will find me.
the tears flow unceasingly, they will not stop;
rivers of liquid trailing down.
11:15am
i wipe my eyes, clean my face, put on the mask.
now no one will know.
i smile bitterly.
11:17am
he chats me.
what do i even say that won't freak him out.
i tell the truth.
and worry him.
great.
i can't believe myself.
how selfish am i that i would ruin HIS day by throwing my problems at him.
i'm such a ______. <fill in the blank>
12:30pm
he calls, worried.
i can't answer, still in class,
probably couldn't talk if i wanted to.
emotional train wreck.
3pm
i call back.
my phone dies.
lovely.
3:30pm
pounding headache.
can't think
can't reason
can't study
mother calls. grrreaaatt..
she doesnt know what to say.. tries to help, makes it worse. i try to stay positive, its impossible.
she starts to try to fix it - new studying techniques, less social fun, etc, etc. -
she just doesn't understand.
5:30pm
he wants me to come over
i give in, can't handle being alone anymore.
6pm
he's there waiting for me
arms open
he holds me tight
and tells me everything will be alright.
<3
that was my day.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Deep Thoughts and Random Musings
Love.
Ponder it for a second. What is Love?
Does anyone truly know it's definition?
Over the entire course of human existence, people have attempted to capture it's power through words, music, or art.
Think of Shakespeare.
Of Jane Austen.
Of Taylor Swift.
They all are have their own definitions and examples of love. But is one more "right" than the others?
It's hard to say. It's true that "Love" comes in a variety of shapes and sizes.
For some love comes in the form of a romantic interest - a significant other. They live for a fairytale where they can create their very own *happily ever after*. Others yearn to be utterly head over heels. But this is just plain old infatuation, not even close to real love. For Love is much more intricate than either of these. True, unfailing love is not possible for human beings to even begin to comprehend. Oh we try. We think we know what it is but in reality, we don't. We send valentines every year with the simple words "I love you," but what does that phrase even MEAN these days? Does it mean we will give up everything for that person, even our own fragile lives?
For this is the epitome of true love.
Perfect love.
The LOVE of a God so powerful none can fathom his majesty. He showed us this kind of love giving up his own life for the sake of those so much less than him. *Romans 5:8*
Therefore. If I was to love someone, I would want to at least attempt to show this type of love; not a childish, immature misconception of the word. I would be committed to trusting that person with all that I am. I would feel an intense connection because they would have to know me to my core...or at least as deep as I am willing to let someone understand me. But doing this would mean willingly choosing to open myself to the hurt and pain and disappointment that comes with loving flawed human beings. Do I have this kind of courage?
Do you?
Will I place my trust in someone who can and most likely will let me down? Unlike my beautiful Savior who I can rely on in the darkest places when all have abandoned me.
Yes. I believe I can take that step of faith into the unknown. It will be a journey, an adventure, with trouble around every corner. But through determination, hard work and compromise, I believe that it will be worth the effort- tenfold.
Sometimes I wonder what the reason is for why I shudder and even cringe at the word "love".
Here's my best answer: I'm afraid of love.
And why shouldn't I be!? Give me a good reason why I should just throw my hands in the air and carelessly give my heart to others. People who aren't careful, who can easily forget about me as if I'm just a blip on the radar. Why should I build myself up to be let down AGAIN.
This is frightening. Who really wants to go through this kind of pain?
Yet here is the clincher. As terrifying as love can be, I do not want to be a loveless, cold hearted person.
No at all. If you think this you are sorely mistaken.
For my heart is bursting with love. I love everyone. I love the broken; the beautiful; the sick; the poor; the bruised; the ones who don't like me; the ones who hurt themselves; and the ones who are lost in a world of confusion. A world that defines love as roses and hearts and chocolate. Or a relationship built on lust and image, where being 'hot' makes you lovable.
No wonder so many believe the lie that no one loves them. But I understand their reasoning. And I can say this because I have felt those exact feelings. Yet things changed when God opened my eyes. I saw love in places I had never imagined.
In the sun shining through the clouds on a rainy day.
In a smile to a stranger across the street.
In the hug of a friend.
Love is real.
Love is powerful.
Without it, we are lifeless.
With it, we are taking a great risk like plunging off a cliff.
What I have written here is the thoughts of my mind put together on a page. Some of it may be viewed as cynical, but I disagree. All I am doing is deeply analyzing the many definitions of the term "love" and determining what I myself believe about it. (It's just a way of organizing my many thoughts).
Therefore.
I won't deny - I sometimes have my doubts about love in all it's complexities, but in the end I believe in it, because it is the source of all life in this dead and dismal world.
Ponder it for a second. What is Love?
Does anyone truly know it's definition?
Over the entire course of human existence, people have attempted to capture it's power through words, music, or art.
Think of Shakespeare.
Of Jane Austen.
Of Taylor Swift.
They all are have their own definitions and examples of love. But is one more "right" than the others?
It's hard to say. It's true that "Love" comes in a variety of shapes and sizes.
For some love comes in the form of a romantic interest - a significant other. They live for a fairytale where they can create their very own *happily ever after*. Others yearn to be utterly head over heels. But this is just plain old infatuation, not even close to real love. For Love is much more intricate than either of these. True, unfailing love is not possible for human beings to even begin to comprehend. Oh we try. We think we know what it is but in reality, we don't. We send valentines every year with the simple words "I love you," but what does that phrase even MEAN these days? Does it mean we will give up everything for that person, even our own fragile lives?
For this is the epitome of true love.
Perfect love.
The LOVE of a God so powerful none can fathom his majesty. He showed us this kind of love giving up his own life for the sake of those so much less than him. *Romans 5:8*
Therefore. If I was to love someone, I would want to at least attempt to show this type of love; not a childish, immature misconception of the word. I would be committed to trusting that person with all that I am. I would feel an intense connection because they would have to know me to my core...or at least as deep as I am willing to let someone understand me. But doing this would mean willingly choosing to open myself to the hurt and pain and disappointment that comes with loving flawed human beings. Do I have this kind of courage?
Do you?
Will I place my trust in someone who can and most likely will let me down? Unlike my beautiful Savior who I can rely on in the darkest places when all have abandoned me.
Yes. I believe I can take that step of faith into the unknown. It will be a journey, an adventure, with trouble around every corner. But through determination, hard work and compromise, I believe that it will be worth the effort- tenfold.
Sometimes I wonder what the reason is for why I shudder and even cringe at the word "love".
Here's my best answer: I'm afraid of love.
And why shouldn't I be!? Give me a good reason why I should just throw my hands in the air and carelessly give my heart to others. People who aren't careful, who can easily forget about me as if I'm just a blip on the radar. Why should I build myself up to be let down AGAIN.
This is frightening. Who really wants to go through this kind of pain?
Yet here is the clincher. As terrifying as love can be, I do not want to be a loveless, cold hearted person.
No at all. If you think this you are sorely mistaken.
For my heart is bursting with love. I love everyone. I love the broken; the beautiful; the sick; the poor; the bruised; the ones who don't like me; the ones who hurt themselves; and the ones who are lost in a world of confusion. A world that defines love as roses and hearts and chocolate. Or a relationship built on lust and image, where being 'hot' makes you lovable.
No wonder so many believe the lie that no one loves them. But I understand their reasoning. And I can say this because I have felt those exact feelings. Yet things changed when God opened my eyes. I saw love in places I had never imagined.
In the sun shining through the clouds on a rainy day.
In a smile to a stranger across the street.
In the hug of a friend.
Love is real.
Love is powerful.
Without it, we are lifeless.
With it, we are taking a great risk like plunging off a cliff.
What I have written here is the thoughts of my mind put together on a page. Some of it may be viewed as cynical, but I disagree. All I am doing is deeply analyzing the many definitions of the term "love" and determining what I myself believe about it. (It's just a way of organizing my many thoughts).
Therefore.
I won't deny - I sometimes have my doubts about love in all it's complexities, but in the end I believe in it, because it is the source of all life in this dead and dismal world.
Monday, January 17, 2011
a day in the life of a nursing student.
As of today I have been in college for almost 4 and a half months.
And what a journey has it been so far.
I won't get into detail about anything in particular, but here's the gist of my life right now.
~I have an amazing, unbelievably loving boyfriend/best friend, John Tibble.
~I am really getting involved with New Life Church (North Campus team).
~I am in the process of deciding if I should move to campus next year with Laura Goben.
~My boyfriend is moving to Seattle in less than 4 months.
~I am trying to find summer jobs, classes, vacations.
~I am in UofM's Nursing School which is completely insane. stress. stress. stress.
~I am attempting to give everything to God and honor Him in all that I do, especially in making new relationships.
So Yeah.
Life is crazy. awesome. but crazy.
My classes this semester aren't too bad. I've got Anatomy, Psych 250, and Nursing 152 which includes lab and clinical. I'm trying not to be worried or nervous about the labs and such, but I just have SO much to learn. I feel so overwhelmed with the complexities of the human body, not to mention the meticulous details that the nursing school expects us to perform. Tomorrow we are learning vital signs, the first 'real' technique we have learned yet in nursing. It doesn't seem to difficult, but I'm still scared that I'm going to pass out or make a fool of myself. I guess thats just low self efficacy. I love how I'm learning so much though, about topics that interest me. It's just hard fitting all the socializing, studying, and God into a short 24 hour day.
Got to go, much to study still tonight. We'll see how lab goes tomorrow. *crosses fingers* Hopefully it goes smoothly.
P.S. I love this song. It really explains how I feel in my life right now. <3
And what a journey has it been so far.
I won't get into detail about anything in particular, but here's the gist of my life right now.
~I have an amazing, unbelievably loving boyfriend/best friend, John Tibble.
~I am really getting involved with New Life Church (North Campus team).
~I am in the process of deciding if I should move to campus next year with Laura Goben.
~My boyfriend is moving to Seattle in less than 4 months.
~I am trying to find summer jobs, classes, vacations.
~I am in UofM's Nursing School which is completely insane. stress. stress. stress.
~I am attempting to give everything to God and honor Him in all that I do, especially in making new relationships.
So Yeah.
Life is crazy. awesome. but crazy.
My classes this semester aren't too bad. I've got Anatomy, Psych 250, and Nursing 152 which includes lab and clinical. I'm trying not to be worried or nervous about the labs and such, but I just have SO much to learn. I feel so overwhelmed with the complexities of the human body, not to mention the meticulous details that the nursing school expects us to perform. Tomorrow we are learning vital signs, the first 'real' technique we have learned yet in nursing. It doesn't seem to difficult, but I'm still scared that I'm going to pass out or make a fool of myself. I guess thats just low self efficacy. I love how I'm learning so much though, about topics that interest me. It's just hard fitting all the socializing, studying, and God into a short 24 hour day.
Got to go, much to study still tonight. We'll see how lab goes tomorrow. *crosses fingers* Hopefully it goes smoothly.
P.S. I love this song. It really explains how I feel in my life right now. <3
Saturday, January 15, 2011
The Beginning.
so I have never used a blog before.
I think it's time i start...
hopefully I actually keep it updated.
~B
I think it's time i start...
hopefully I actually keep it updated.
~B
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