let's just say that i probably should not be writing tonight because everything is going to be either dark, morbid, or both.
i had my first anatomy exam today. i thought i was prepared. i thought i was ready.
yeah i hadn't studied for 12 hours a week like my prof had told us to, but seriously if i did that, i wouldn't be human. i'd be like a walking zombie.
sooo after spending the entire weekend holed up in my room, studying til my eyes fell out, i got up this morning ready to kick this exam in the butt.
9:10am
we get the exam.
9:15am
we start going through the slides. ok, i think, this isn't too bad. i know these answers.
9:25am
the terror begins to crawl through my being.
doubt races through my mind.
is it a or c? or d "a and c"? shoot. i can't figure it out. for the life of me. i've spent 5 minutes staring at the letters- until they start swirling around on the page, unable to concentrate, my eyes zone out.
9:50am
some people are finishing and i've barely made any progress.
i start to for real freak out.
my eyes begin to tear, the walls of the crowded room start bearing down on me, i feel breathless, claustrophobic, the fear of passing out runs through my mind.
STOP IT! i scream at myself, pushing away the insanity that is softly knocking on the door of my mind.
Pull Yourself Together.
i'm trying...
10:00am
i gather my thoughts, i must do this, i know this.
so i get through the test, answering question after question- all 100 of them.
done.
i am still filled with doubt. sure that i've failed. that every single piece of effort i put into this is worthless.
that all the effort i gave throughout my entire life will fall through the ceiling, and i'll be lost to the uncertainty of the world.
10:45am
i stand up, finished, too nervous to change any answers because i might be tricking myself.
there. i turned it in. its over.
relief? that would be a normal reaction.
but no- instead i am flooded with a overwhelming flood of despair, terror, worry, doubt.
i am angry at myself.
i want to throw myself away.
i am a big fat failure.
i just want to sleep.
11:10am
i run away into a hidden bathroom, where no one will find me.
the tears flow unceasingly, they will not stop;
rivers of liquid trailing down.
11:15am
i wipe my eyes, clean my face, put on the mask.
now no one will know.
i smile bitterly.
11:17am
he chats me.
what do i even say that won't freak him out.
i tell the truth.
and worry him.
great.
i can't believe myself.
how selfish am i that i would ruin HIS day by throwing my problems at him.
i'm such a ______. <fill in the blank>
12:30pm
he calls, worried.
i can't answer, still in class,
probably couldn't talk if i wanted to.
emotional train wreck.
3pm
i call back.
my phone dies.
lovely.
3:30pm
pounding headache.
can't think
can't reason
can't study
mother calls. grrreaaatt..
she doesnt know what to say.. tries to help, makes it worse. i try to stay positive, its impossible.
she starts to try to fix it - new studying techniques, less social fun, etc, etc. -
she just doesn't understand.
5:30pm
he wants me to come over
i give in, can't handle being alone anymore.
6pm
he's there waiting for me
arms open
he holds me tight
and tells me everything will be alright.
<3
that was my day.
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