You are Loved.

Hello friend. 
I hope life is treating you well. 
I am writing tonight about a special cause I just learned about this week that has absolutely taken over my mind. The ministry is called "Treasures" and it's based out of LA. This is their mission: 

"Treasures is a unique, faith-based outreach and support group for women in the sex industry.

Our mission is to empower women in the discovery of their value and purpose by providing mentorship, spiritual encouragement and resources." 

This group helps women who are caught up in different ways, whether it be the porn industry, sex trafficking, prostitution, stripping, exotic dancing, escorting, or those who have been molested or are in dysfunctional, abusive relationships. Statistics are that "89% of women in the sex industry said they wanted to escape, but had no other means for survival." This means that these girls feel that they have no way to leave their lives. They are too poor, broken, and scared to live life on their own. Not only this, but most enter into this around the ages of 12-14 after being sexually abused. "73% of them have been raped 5 or more times." Many of them have high rates of substance abuse making it even more difficult to leave the industry. 

Now add to all of this depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness, and deep shame. 

Doesn't this just break your heart in half? 

I hate it when people make rash judgments, like "those girls chose to be sluts and like what they do." While this may be true for some, MOST of these girls are NOT happy with themselves. But they are imprisoned both physically and mentally and need a way out. 

There is only one who can be their escape. Jesus. 

And that is what this ministry is all about. Most of women heading it up were once in the sex industry as well, and what they do is make gift bags and go to clubs and conventions, handing out these bags to the girls, telling them there is hope and love and freedom. 

It is fantastic!!! and it gives me such joy to know that there are people out there fighting for these girls. One day I'm hoping and praying that I can help out with something like this. I don't know how or when, but I want to *do* something. But until then, I ...We... can keep praying for these girls to be delivered from their bondage. 

Love. 


Here is the website: www.iamatreasure.com

lost in love.

Today my sweetie, John, sent me ROSES!

Why? you may ask.

Just because he loves me. <3

Yeah, I'm pretty much the happiest girl (and that is saying something.) I am so in love - and I love it - and I'm not afraid to say it! :) 

This just makes me think of my first Love, Jesus. He gave me John, and so many other beautiful gifts - snowflakes, sunrises, grace, Love Itself. 

Ah, there is just so much love in my heart, it's overflowing, and I hope it finds its way to you. 

late night musings.

Shame. 
Why does he want to take me down.
Why does he attack me so. 
Why does he want to hurt me.
Torture me. 
Pain me. 
Make me cold to the bone. 
he numbs my soul. 
breaks my heart. 
builds up walls. 
tears down love. 
Cuts me up
blood pouring out
of my 
s
c
a
r
s. 
i feel dead and want it all to end. 
i long for Sleep and yet i cannot find the rest 
my body longs for.
nightmares haunt this hollow frame of mine
where is the freedom they talk of. 
the peace they say is here. 
i am lost and cannot find
my 
way 
out. 
j u m b l e d 
s  c  r  a  m  b  l  e  d
WORDS 
are a mess in my mind. 


Jesus. 
Cool, Refreshing, Love. 
forgive me. 
i need you. 

 "I have seen paradise and ruin. I have known bliss and terror. I have walked with God."


This is the first sentence of the book. The book that I just finished reading. The book that literally has turned my world upside down.
Very rarely do I read a good book that challenges my thoughts, my intellect, and my spiritual life. This book has fulfilled these things and more. The book is called "Havah: The story of Eve." 


I'm not going to explain the story to you. Many already know it; the story of creation, Adam & Eve, the fall, and so on. But for many that story was described to us as children in a Sunday school room. It was simplified for us, and yet it became a base for our beliefs. Think, however, of how weak a base it is if you do not fully understand the complexity and passion and terror of that story. 


This book didn't tell me a new story; it built on one I already knew by heart. But it added depth and romance, intrigue and love, fear and agonizing horror to the seemingly simple story. 


It was the first time I cried while reading a book. 


That is not normal; I never ever cry from a book. They usually touch me, yes. Maybe bring a single tear to my eye. But never a flat out, half hour, curl up on the floor, cry. 
Why did I feel so strongly you may think? How could a book possibly bring so much emotion to the surface? 


Maybe it was because it dragged up fears in me I thought would never resurface. Maybe it was because I was grieving for the world and the fallen broken hopelessness of it all. Maybe it was because I truly felt the love and care and realness of God, the Father, tugging at my heart and telling me it was alright to give in to my fears and worries. Maybe it was because at the end of the day all I really long for is for Jesus to hold me in His eternal arms and wipe away all the dirty grime of this life and restore me to my true beauty. 


Whatever it was, it broke me down. And I feel better than I have in many, many months. 
This book was a direct gift from God, specifically for me. And that is a stunning, exquisite thing. 


<3


Here is the link in case you are interested: http://www.toscalee.com/#/books/havah/

Imaginary Light

"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story

If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay a while
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me"
~ Evanescence 

A Brighter Outlook

In response to the blog post below, my love and I had a very nice conversation about the positive side of what I had written. He told me that this was a pivotal point in our relationship because it had led us to have this conversation. He said that this would help us grow together because we could now communicate our (or rather my) needs in the relationship. We talked about our love languages and how his is touch and mine is (much to my previous chagrin) gifts - both giving and receiving. However now we both know how we can best show love to each other, and I have much more confidence letting my feelings out. So despite my previous nervousness about the relationship and my selfish feelings, I am now feeling much more hopeful and excited about the future. :) Thank goodness for amazing communication. Can't survive without it.

Chain of Reactions::

Nights like these are great, and also terrible. They remind me of what I have and how wonderful, unbelievable, and beautiful life can be. It also shows me all I have lost and what I long most for. What I would do to have this back! (see 1st and 2nd pics below.) You don't know how love can really change your life, until the source of that love disappears. There are reminders of that love, which at times are the most important thing and at other times can be the worst possible moments. Like receiving a surprise love note and how your heart races as you devour the words on the page. Nothing can interrupt you from that one moment - all your attention is (for once) fully concentrated. But there are hard times too, like when you put all your hope into one interaction (even though it is an old routine), and because of moodiness, time restraints, or all the other many possibilities, your expectations are not met and you feel rejected and alone to deal with these seemingly selfish feelings. Things change brightly colored euphoric happiness to a gloomy, forlorn state of black and white. It is a downward spiral into the abyss of negative thinking, feeling like a burden, left alone with no one to be with because no one really knows or cares about you like that one special person does.  Frustrated tears burn your eyes, and you blink them away furiously. How on earth could you think of crying about such a selfish want? It is pathetic and you are too. Pining away for your far-away love, when you should be sleeping, studying, etc. You shake your head, but can't keep the thoughts from filling your mind. You realize how pathetic you are, and it hurts. How you hate that you selfishly ask things of your love - when you know they are just as busy as you. How Hypocritical. You wish you could stuff those words back into your babbling mouth. All you want is to feel remembered. Just a simple thing. And you do feel that way most of the time! But the cycle of life is dull and boring and what you want is something to spice up your life. Something New and Different. A circumstance where you don't feel like an outsider, like you're missing out. Something you can share together *at the same time.* A walk outside in the crisp fall breeze, a tender hug, a long car ride to a fun or even boring destination. The simple things in life. You don't know how much you'll miss them until you do. 

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