The "Goodbye"

im sitting here in my room.
i feel restless, anxious, lonely...
but underneath the roller-coaster of emotions
i feel at peace.
a significant life-altering change has occurred today
its still too early to feel the effects
but my heart knows the difference
it feels heavier somehow
but light knowing that there is someone out there
who is holding it.
i feel at ease, yet nervous
happy, yet forlorn
at rest, yet worn out
i can't really concentrate
and i feel like im rambling.
i feel like im living a dream
is this reality?
sigh
im just really tired.
and bipolar.
im gonna go pray for awhile.

goodnight.

Tug of War

Remember that old childhood game where two teams would line up, each side holding an end of the rope? The teams would pull with all their might for the little red flag tied on the rope to cross their side. Eventually after much struggle, pain, and screaming, one side would fall to the ground in defeat. The little flag crossed to the winner's side - where there was much triumph and happiness.

I never liked that game very much.

And now I feel like I'm playing it once again; this time, however, I'm playing "adult-style." Worst of all, I'm not even on either of the teams. I'm the little red flag in the middle, being pulled from side to side.
I feel bad for that little flag because it doesn't get a choice; it has no say in which side it ends up on.
I, on the other hand, WILL have a say in the matter.
Let me say, it sure is nice to have so many people care about me...but I really, really dislike when they get too involved.  Because that's when the tug of war begins. Each side is pulling me to do what they want or think is best for me.

Well. I can handle myself, thank you very much. I have the capabilities to figure out what I want. And right now, I want to stay right in the middle and have each side let go of me and stop playing the game.
Unfortunately, people are very competitive and enjoy winning, so for now this hope for a truce is almost nonexistent. But a girl can dream.

Goodbye Freshman, Hello Sophomore!

My first year at UofM is complete! I can hardly believe how quickly it flew by; it seems like just yesterday I was walking up my first class, nervous and unsure of what was coming. 
So much has happened this year. I have changed so much, become more mature, more independent, more knowledgeable.  


I would even be so bold as to say that this has been my best year yet in my meager 19 years of life on this planet. God has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams, putting people and circumstances into my life that I would not trade for anything. I have continued to grow in my relationship with Him, even more than I thought possible at this public university. Looking back on my past, I am more social, at peace, and *content* with where I am than ever before. It is the first year I have been able to walk into a room and not feel awkward or unwanted. This is the first year I feel that I belong. 


At the beginning of the school year, I had some vague goals that I hoped to fulfill this year. Not only have I fulfilled them, but they have exceeded my dreams! I have a church family, plenty of people to hang with, and even [surprise!] a boyfriend who has completely taken my heart. <3 


Of course this year has had it's share of hardships too. Just take a look at my previous blogs and you'll know what I'm talking about. From stressing about exams to trying to figure out the best way to go about a relationship, I have used my mind an awful lot. But I stuck through and didn't give up - and everything has worked out just right. Like my grades...there were times I thought I was going to fail out of nursing school. But I've ended up with A's and B's all year! :) phew. 


All in all, it's been a fantastic year! I still am happy with Nursing as my major, which is a great thing. I'm excited to see how much I learn next year (even if next semester is a killer as I've heard). I'm very interested to see what happens sophomore year, well even this summer to be honest. SO much is changing. I feel like this year was very stable and easy. But next year I have to figure out the whole "roommate" scenario, see what happens with my dad's job, AND John is moving away to Seattle. It's going to be trying for sure. But right now I'm trusting that God will bring me through as he always has. 


For now though, I am enjoying this 3rd day of summer break, looking out the window and filled to the brim with excitement because there are buds on the trees! Who would've thought a little green shoot could cause such happiness? But it's these little things that go unnoticed that bring me so much joy. 

A [School] Year in Review:: 

   

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Back to the Old Days: A Journey From Guilt To Forgiveness

[The following is a poem I wrote a few years back, based on a book I read called "The Kite Runner." I highly recommend you read it, if you haven't. It's a book that will blow your mind. 

Also, the picture above is me (obviously) back in the day. I found it while looking through old pics. Yeah, I used to be sort of "dark" - those were my artsy days. Don't let it scare you, I just wanted to live outside the norm. Don't we all?]

Panic. 

Something roared like thunder. 
A white light flashed; 

This wasn’t happening. 

On my knees, screaming. 
Screaming through my clenched teeth.

Screaming until I thought my throat 
would rip and my chest explode. 
…deep parallel gashes…

I might as well have taken a knife and 
carved those lines myself. 

Hope is fading. 
I shut my eyes, d r i f t i n g  a w a y. 

My LIFE-

Failure on a grand scale. 

I’m a ghost. 

A ghost with no footprints. 

A tortured soul. 

Enduring the endless dark, waiting for the sun to rise 

It’s insanity – 

These thoughts flying around in my head. 

I want to move on, to forget, to start with a clean slate.

I want to be able to breathe again. 

He says,

There is a way to be good again. 

A way to end the cycle of- 

                              Pain. 

                 Guilt. 

                              Suffering. 

I’ll take it with open arms. 

Cut loose the pain.

I feel it rising within me.

Victory.

Salvation.

Redemption. 

I feel at peace.

Healed at last. 

My journey has come to an end. 

Everything is alive and good. 

The past-

Only a faint scar. 

I am forgiven- 

A thousand times over. 

TAKE HEART:: by Hillsong United

here is a very beautiful, uplifting song: listen to it: it just might give you just a little bit more courage over the troubles in your life right now...

So take heart

Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Found this song today while looking for new music. 

I was basically blown away by the lyrics. It really is amazing how much a song can impact you. There is just something so real and genuine about a song - the voice, the words, the music, the love behind it all; how it all comes together in perfect unity, creating a work of art so beautiful and emotionally heart-wrenching. Songs (especially worship songs i find) are so perfect for expressing your heart to God, because sometimes it's hard to gather your thoughts to say what you mean. But songs (like this one) speak straight to your heart and you can listen and pray right along with it. 

Recently I've been feeling a bit down, but songs like this give me hope that I can keep going, because Christ has given me his strength and has overcome the world. <3 

G'night. 

x_x

have you ever had one of those days where everything seems hopeless?


the weather is gloomy and dismal. the sun nowhere in sight. 
you have 1001 things to do, and it seems like nothing is getting accomplished. 
(procrastination has overtaken and now you're typing out blog posts..)
you want to have fun, but it seems like no one is around.
you feel lonely. 
you are tired because you haven't been sleeping well for days. 
you have less than 3 weeks left of school and it feels like an eternity. 
yet you don't want it to end. 
pellets of icy rain hit you, and you start to cry because of the futility of it all. 
you end up cold, wet, and worried.
you contemplate what about this life is actually worth it. 
and at the moment, come up with very little. 


that is where i am right now. 
let's hope things get better.
but for now i'm rather doubtful.