late night musings.

Shame. 
Why does he want to take me down.
Why does he attack me so. 
Why does he want to hurt me.
Torture me. 
Pain me. 
Make me cold to the bone. 
he numbs my soul. 
breaks my heart. 
builds up walls. 
tears down love. 
Cuts me up
blood pouring out
of my 
s
c
a
r
s. 
i feel dead and want it all to end. 
i long for Sleep and yet i cannot find the rest 
my body longs for.
nightmares haunt this hollow frame of mine
where is the freedom they talk of. 
the peace they say is here. 
i am lost and cannot find
my 
way 
out. 
j u m b l e d 
s  c  r  a  m  b  l  e  d
WORDS 
are a mess in my mind. 


Jesus. 
Cool, Refreshing, Love. 
forgive me. 
i need you. 

 "I have seen paradise and ruin. I have known bliss and terror. I have walked with God."


This is the first sentence of the book. The book that I just finished reading. The book that literally has turned my world upside down.
Very rarely do I read a good book that challenges my thoughts, my intellect, and my spiritual life. This book has fulfilled these things and more. The book is called "Havah: The story of Eve." 


I'm not going to explain the story to you. Many already know it; the story of creation, Adam & Eve, the fall, and so on. But for many that story was described to us as children in a Sunday school room. It was simplified for us, and yet it became a base for our beliefs. Think, however, of how weak a base it is if you do not fully understand the complexity and passion and terror of that story. 


This book didn't tell me a new story; it built on one I already knew by heart. But it added depth and romance, intrigue and love, fear and agonizing horror to the seemingly simple story. 


It was the first time I cried while reading a book. 


That is not normal; I never ever cry from a book. They usually touch me, yes. Maybe bring a single tear to my eye. But never a flat out, half hour, curl up on the floor, cry. 
Why did I feel so strongly you may think? How could a book possibly bring so much emotion to the surface? 


Maybe it was because it dragged up fears in me I thought would never resurface. Maybe it was because I was grieving for the world and the fallen broken hopelessness of it all. Maybe it was because I truly felt the love and care and realness of God, the Father, tugging at my heart and telling me it was alright to give in to my fears and worries. Maybe it was because at the end of the day all I really long for is for Jesus to hold me in His eternal arms and wipe away all the dirty grime of this life and restore me to my true beauty. 


Whatever it was, it broke me down. And I feel better than I have in many, many months. 
This book was a direct gift from God, specifically for me. And that is a stunning, exquisite thing. 


<3


Here is the link in case you are interested: http://www.toscalee.com/#/books/havah/

Imaginary Light

"Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they're falling tell a story

If you need to leave the world you live in
Lay your head down and stay a while
Though you may not remember dreaming
Something waits for you to breathe again

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me"
~ Evanescence 

A Brighter Outlook

In response to the blog post below, my love and I had a very nice conversation about the positive side of what I had written. He told me that this was a pivotal point in our relationship because it had led us to have this conversation. He said that this would help us grow together because we could now communicate our (or rather my) needs in the relationship. We talked about our love languages and how his is touch and mine is (much to my previous chagrin) gifts - both giving and receiving. However now we both know how we can best show love to each other, and I have much more confidence letting my feelings out. So despite my previous nervousness about the relationship and my selfish feelings, I am now feeling much more hopeful and excited about the future. :) Thank goodness for amazing communication. Can't survive without it.

Chain of Reactions::

Nights like these are great, and also terrible. They remind me of what I have and how wonderful, unbelievable, and beautiful life can be. It also shows me all I have lost and what I long most for. What I would do to have this back! (see 1st and 2nd pics below.) You don't know how love can really change your life, until the source of that love disappears. There are reminders of that love, which at times are the most important thing and at other times can be the worst possible moments. Like receiving a surprise love note and how your heart races as you devour the words on the page. Nothing can interrupt you from that one moment - all your attention is (for once) fully concentrated. But there are hard times too, like when you put all your hope into one interaction (even though it is an old routine), and because of moodiness, time restraints, or all the other many possibilities, your expectations are not met and you feel rejected and alone to deal with these seemingly selfish feelings. Things change brightly colored euphoric happiness to a gloomy, forlorn state of black and white. It is a downward spiral into the abyss of negative thinking, feeling like a burden, left alone with no one to be with because no one really knows or cares about you like that one special person does.  Frustrated tears burn your eyes, and you blink them away furiously. How on earth could you think of crying about such a selfish want? It is pathetic and you are too. Pining away for your far-away love, when you should be sleeping, studying, etc. You shake your head, but can't keep the thoughts from filling your mind. You realize how pathetic you are, and it hurts. How you hate that you selfishly ask things of your love - when you know they are just as busy as you. How Hypocritical. You wish you could stuff those words back into your babbling mouth. All you want is to feel remembered. Just a simple thing. And you do feel that way most of the time! But the cycle of life is dull and boring and what you want is something to spice up your life. Something New and Different. A circumstance where you don't feel like an outsider, like you're missing out. Something you can share together *at the same time.* A walk outside in the crisp fall breeze, a tender hug, a long car ride to a fun or even boring destination. The simple things in life. You don't know how much you'll miss them until you do. 

'

Cinnamon Sugar Heaven.

Today I found a recipe online here, www.joythebaker.com, and it was so delicious. It's like a fluffy cloud of sweet sugary cinnamon; I am still amazed at the rich, delectable goodness of this bread. It basically melts in your mouth! (:
So I spent all afternoon creating and baking this beautiful masterpiece. I was even *happy* with the turnout - it was identical to the pictures (which is not always the case in recipes...). So I highly recommend trying it out one day if you're feeling up to the challenge!
I know that I definitely plan to try out more of these recipes. I'm excited to see what's in store...

Who knows. I might just be a cook yet. ;)

Here's some pictures of my bread!

Summer is winding down...

It's already mid-August and summer is waning. However, it's been quite the summer so far, let me say.

After John left for the new job and new experiences, my life changed a lot! Not just because of that, but because I moved out of my house, away from all familiarity into a house with eight other girls (that I knew fairly well). At the same time, I started LT at New Life Church. Honestly, I didn't know what to expect from it.  I was afraid that it wouldn't do anything for me. That I wouldn't fit in. But that was so not the case! Closing ceremonies were almost two weeks ago, and since then I've worked through and processed many thoughts. So far, this has been my conclusion: that I've learned a lot about my relationship with God and understand myself a whole lot better. I feel like I've gotten even more confident in my faith and day-to-day life. I have strengthened my friendships and know that I have a group of people who have my back - no matter what. I still feel anxious about a lot of different things, but I am at peace with where I am and what God is doing. I am excited for the future and content with the present. Even better, I am [mostly] relieved from my past.
This is amazing for me and it is proof that I really have changed for the better. Something I have struggled to believe. I am so thankful to everyone who has helped me along the way. I have decided that life is something to be intrigued in now, rather than spurned and criticized, and I want to live according to 1 Corinthians 13:7, "Love always protects, always trusts, always, hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."