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Back to the Old Days: A Journey From Guilt To Forgiveness

[The following is a poem I wrote a few years back, based on a book I read called "The Kite Runner." I highly recommend you read it, if you haven't. It's a book that will blow your mind. 

Also, the picture above is me (obviously) back in the day. I found it while looking through old pics. Yeah, I used to be sort of "dark" - those were my artsy days. Don't let it scare you, I just wanted to live outside the norm. Don't we all?]

Panic. 

Something roared like thunder. 
A white light flashed; 

This wasn’t happening. 

On my knees, screaming. 
Screaming through my clenched teeth.

Screaming until I thought my throat 
would rip and my chest explode. 
…deep parallel gashes…

I might as well have taken a knife and 
carved those lines myself. 

Hope is fading. 
I shut my eyes, d r i f t i n g  a w a y. 

My LIFE-

Failure on a grand scale. 

I’m a ghost. 

A ghost with no footprints. 

A tortured soul. 

Enduring the endless dark, waiting for the sun to rise 

It’s insanity – 

These thoughts flying around in my head. 

I want to move on, to forget, to start with a clean slate.

I want to be able to breathe again. 

He says,

There is a way to be good again. 

A way to end the cycle of- 

                              Pain. 

                 Guilt. 

                              Suffering. 

I’ll take it with open arms. 

Cut loose the pain.

I feel it rising within me.

Victory.

Salvation.

Redemption. 

I feel at peace.

Healed at last. 

My journey has come to an end. 

Everything is alive and good. 

The past-

Only a faint scar. 

I am forgiven- 

A thousand times over. 

TAKE HEART:: by Hillsong United

here is a very beautiful, uplifting song: listen to it: it just might give you just a little bit more courage over the troubles in your life right now...

So take heart

Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again

In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails

All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome

All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome

All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome

All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome

God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome

Found this song today while looking for new music. 

I was basically blown away by the lyrics. It really is amazing how much a song can impact you. There is just something so real and genuine about a song - the voice, the words, the music, the love behind it all; how it all comes together in perfect unity, creating a work of art so beautiful and emotionally heart-wrenching. Songs (especially worship songs i find) are so perfect for expressing your heart to God, because sometimes it's hard to gather your thoughts to say what you mean. But songs (like this one) speak straight to your heart and you can listen and pray right along with it. 

Recently I've been feeling a bit down, but songs like this give me hope that I can keep going, because Christ has given me his strength and has overcome the world. <3 

G'night. 

x_x

have you ever had one of those days where everything seems hopeless?


the weather is gloomy and dismal. the sun nowhere in sight. 
you have 1001 things to do, and it seems like nothing is getting accomplished. 
(procrastination has overtaken and now you're typing out blog posts..)
you want to have fun, but it seems like no one is around.
you feel lonely. 
you are tired because you haven't been sleeping well for days. 
you have less than 3 weeks left of school and it feels like an eternity. 
yet you don't want it to end. 
pellets of icy rain hit you, and you start to cry because of the futility of it all. 
you end up cold, wet, and worried.
you contemplate what about this life is actually worth it. 
and at the moment, come up with very little. 


that is where i am right now. 
let's hope things get better.
but for now i'm rather doubtful. 

this is an awkward post.

but i need to let my thoughts out. so don't judge. 

I LOVE having deep conversations. LOVE them. So much. I thrive on it.

Here's the only problem…

Have you ever learned something about a person who you care about, and as much as you don't want it to change your view of them, it still sort of does? it's like a feeling of being let down just a little bit (maybe because you feel helpless to do anything about it..)

Need an example?

I'll give you one that I am very passionate about. I had a discussion about it this very evening. 

Porn.

Yeah THAT elephant in the room.  It's one of those "SO AWKWARD" to talk about issues, but it's the issue that so many people struggle with. Both guys and girls.

I feel like this word has come up at multiple times during my life.

-First was in highschool; we had numerous chapels devoted to explaining the dangers of porn and freaking students out.

-Next was in church. Most of the sermons I remember in my high school days included the word 'porn' at least once. It always seemed to be on people's minds, yet NO one condemned it in a way that I related to. It was nothing that had anything to do with me. 

-Every morning the radio station I listened to had a talk show; (a very inappropriate one lol) where they always talked about porn in a way that seemed 'cool, normal, and fun.' This just confused me and really grossed me out.

-Then I started dating at 16. We dated for 7 entire months. I was happy and naïve, but by the end had started to feel suspicious that all was not right, and God led me to end the relationship. A few weeks later the guy sends me this note, explaining his addiction to … that’s right… porn. That was tough day. Even though I had ended the relationship, it hurt A LOT to know that this person I had trusted with myself, my thoughts, my faults and failures, had failed to remain faithful to ME. He had broken my trust, and I was angry, disappointed, and didn't understand. Questions roiled through my mind.

Why would a Godly, young man willingly give his heart and mind to the devil? Because that's what porn is. It's a sickeningly easy temptation to get trapped in, until before you know it you are sucked away into a "false" life. A life that isn't even REAL. Not only that, but why would I want someone to even think about saying they care for me, if all they are doing is LYING to my face. They are deceiving the ones they love, turning away from God's commandments, and being lured down a "fun" path that ends with pain.

SOOOO many countless times I have heard the saying that guys are "always" thinking about sex. This is not always a bad thing - it is how their minds work (physiologically). But I feel like these days it is being used as an excuse.

"oh you’re a guy, you think about sex, you look at porn, tsk-tsk, shame on you, but not really."

 NO!!! THIS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE EXCUSE WHATSOEVER. GUYS HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUSTIFY THEIR INNER "DESIRES". NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

This is NOT what God wants for men to think about all the time. And it's definitely Not what girls (like me) want guys thinking about all the time.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. " Phil. 4:8

This verse is what I want a guy to follow; I want to know he is pure. And thinks about only pure things. No matter how hard it is for him. Even to know that he is trying to do this gives me some hope.

Because:

I want to know that a guy loves me and only me. Not some fake photoshopped chick on a sketchy website.

I want to know that if a guy was indeed cheating on me, it was with a real person; someone I could see, touch, talk to, go to battle with. Not a imaginative picture that has some awful, disgusting sexually stimulating effect on the mind.

I want to know that a guy is NOT lying to me, because to me, lying is betrayal; and betrayal only brings detriment.

I do not want to compete for a guy's attention with a computer. Because I will NEVER win.

I want to know that a guy is not filled with carnal thoughts, because not only does that turn me off completely, but its degrading to me as a women, to know that I (and other girls) are being USED unknowingly.

I know from experience how fragile a girl's self worth and self esteem really are, and its crushing to know that you aren't GOOD ENOUGH for a guy. That you just don’t measure up to the "perfect" woman. 

Also, just musing here, but how is porn really so different than prostitution?  ("omg, so terrible!) right?

But think about it.

In prostitution, women are used for their bodies - in porn, women are indeed used (not physically) by the mind in a degrading way.

In prostitution, women are slaves to the men who abuse them - on the flip side, with porn, users are 'slaves' to the videos and pictures, unable to break free of their tantalizing 'charm.'

Both prostitution and porn have to do with sexual idolatry, lust, and evil.

Porn can lead to more than just lusting over pictures. . . i.e. good 'ol Ted Bundy. 

God tells us to keep our bodies clean and pure in His sight, and porn is an outright act of disobedience to God's will. It's difficult to trust someone who you know is actively disobeying without feeling guilt or shame.

It's issues like this that make people squirm and restless in their seats. But it is the words they need to hear and listen to. Porn is an issue that grates me to the core, and I have seen too many people's lives devastated by this temptation of the evil one.  Thankfully we have a Father who loves us unconditionally and will give us the strength to fight against it. Prayer and accountability are the keys in staying faithful, trustworthy, and making lasting relationships. 

I LOVE YOU. <3 

breaking up the routine.

this is basically my life. 

or what it feels like. 

all the time. 

nursing school does this on purpose i think. 

and it doesn't help that everyone says it only gets worse from here.

lovely.

SUMMER COUNTDOWN: 

38 days. . .

30 Days.

Phew.


I can't believe it has already been a month since Valentine's Day. Crazy how time has flown by this year. I've been so busy I hardly have time to think, much less write stuff in this blog. 
The last month has definitely had its ups and downs. 
What have I accomplished in these 30 days?
...
Well. 
- I took 4 exams (one of which was yesterday [anatomy] where the multiple hours studying paid off! I ended up after the curve with an 88%!!!!!!) #thankyouJesus.


- I went on a 9 day vacation to Sarasota/Longboat Key area with John <3 to visit the grandparents.  It would be impossible to describe in a simple blog post like this; but I will say that I don't remember the last time I had such a relaxing, fun time... soaking up the warm rays, laughing about who knows what, bowling (haha), looking for pretty shells, sitting under the twinkling stars by the water, watching the sunset on a quiet shoreline as dolphins swam gracefully past - oblivious to the world around. 
Yes, these are memories that will last a lifetime. 


- I also [after much debating with myself and God, praying consistently, and getting feedback from others] made the decision to do LT this year! http://www.nlcweb.org/lt :) 
It definitely seems like it is what God wants me to do this summer, even though it's so expensive and I still have no idea how I'm going to pay for it. But I am trusting that He will take care of it - what else can I do? So I am extremely excited to go to it! I think it's exactly what I will need in the coming months, especially with John leaving and all. He is my one true relationship right now, and once he leaves, I won't have anyone around who really knows me. 
So hopefully by doing this, I will find people who care about me too, and not feel so alone. 
I've got to stay hopeful, because thinking about anything else will just pierce my heart. 


- But God's got a plan through all of this; He is looking down on us from above, even when we feel threatened or scared or anxious. He knows the big picture and will never ever let go of us - even in the darkest times. He's shining his light down on us and giving us little reminders every day of His great love. 

i love him. :) 

~ 90 days ~